Michael and I just had one of our very rare arguments. I had asked him earlier what he wanted for dinner as usual he said he didn’t know. I took that to mean I can’t make up mind right now. I asked him again and made a few suggestions later on. He said nothing. Around 8:30 he decided to make himself dinner without saying anything. It only annoyed me a little and felt like he was being inconsiderate espcially after I asked him several times what he wanted. I told him it annoyed me and he overreacted to my upset so as to avoid the issue. As if overwelming the situation allows him to avoid the communication. I told him this and he kept saying that I was making him the bad guy I kept trying to tell him that wasn’t the situation that I was tyring to get to what happened in the communication so we wouldn’t have to face that one again. He wouldn’t have any part of that. I told him that sometimes he acted like an idiot. That was a mistake, it was true, but it was a mistake to tell him that. Most people at times act like idiots, myself included. Ok so now we are taking a time out from each other and I find myself more upset than when this “really stupid little thing” happened. it’s funny that my immediate reacton whenever there is upset is to confront then leave. All of the difficult things in our realtionship start flooding my head. There aren’t a lot of them but the ones that ARE there like in any relationship end up seemingly much larger in an upset moment. Being upset is one of my least favorite emotions. Anxiety is another. Sometimes it is really hard getting through to him. I imagine that what will happen now is that we won’t discuss this unless I bring it up, that seems to be his way. There are times when our differences seem so much larger than our similaritys. I guess its true also that you don’t always see the commonalitys and what binds you unless the bond is broken and therefore its easy to take for granted what good there is.


Good Morning,

Just a little over a week before my dad comes out to visit. I purchased Libranet Linux online. downloaded it and burn the cd. I am making room for it on my computer. I messed up a bit with my mp3’s I created the Win2k partition as an NTFS and can’t write to it from within BeOS. I am playing the compress and partition resize game now. After I am sure that this stuff is safe I will install LibraNet. I am very curious to see how well it is put together. I am always looking for a Linux distrib. that is compact, and doesn’t have a million different email programs, extraneous stuff that I don’t need want or won’t use. I like compact clean, japanese. Mike and I might be going up to Capitol Hill later on today for coffee and chat with Mathew. I went out to meet him and Katrina at the Rickshaw last night but they hadn’t gotten there by the time I showed up and there was nothing but a bunch of 20-something twinks, not even cute and the girls well, how much aquanet can you put on your hair? So I left came home got in my sweats and hung out with Mike. There was a rerun of Bladerunner so we laid in bed and fell asleep to that. Well my zip-o-matic thing is done more later.

It’s Friday.. Mike worked the overnight and is working the overnight again tonight. I am feeling a lot of pressure, almost enitrely from myself to find more work. The market has gotten significantly drier here in Seattle for the type of work that I do. RHIC has really been no help. I am looking but no luck so far. I have to keep telling myself not to be anxious that it is more counterproductive than anything. Between my savings and Mikes income we are fine. I guess since I am the one that handles all of the finances and pays the bills that that makes me more aware of financial obligations than Mike and just adds to my stress level. I definately wouldn’t want Mike to handle these for even a short while as he is not good at all when it comes to money managment and such, I would be even more stressed not knowing if the bills were paid. I am hopeful, I see this as an oppurtunity to learn new skills, I’ve been meaning to learn Visual Basic and Python. Perhaps taking my career in a whole new direction. I think it’s just a matter of discipline and organizing my time.

wierd but hopeful

I love overcast grey Seattle Sundays. There’s something about the moodiness of the air, Mike sleeping on the sofa, and a fresh cup of coffee. I booked Dad’s flight out here from Mobile. I’m looking forward to it. I just purchased 6 months of Live Journal. I’ve got some really BIG plans. I spoke with Bob, our landlord. He is the nicest landlord I’ve ever had. Our lease is up and we will be signing a new one. Our rent is only going up 10.00, to 900.00 a month. Pretty good for a 2 bed 2 bath with covered parking in Seattle. I just spoke with mom, to thank her for the Corned Beef recipe.. the kids were all acting up. more later.

tired but playful… long day, I had to work.. sortof. I got there but was locked out, stupid people. I came home, napped and kept repeating how stupid people can be, so much for being positive, except that I am positive there are a lot of stupid people in the world. rant ended night

What did I do today? I’m fading into an oblivious movement from one end of the day to the other. I know I spoke with a few people on the phone about work about stuff about nothing in particular. I spoke with Dad, he’s coming out at the end of the month. I made dinner, I read my email and newsgroups, I checked my Tarot I wrote a whole poop-load of ideas of code of doodles.

I do remember speaking with Kimster yesterday. Sassy-cat my “New England kitty” that she has taken care of since I moved out West died in December, he was really old, @17-18. She seems to be doing well, Hi Kim. She caught me up on all of our “old circle of friends”. Rachel’s moved to San Francisco and dumped her younger though still very sexy with clothes on husband. Pasha lives in one of the smaller hill towns in MA. There really isn’t much happening there but it is quiet and stable, and very beautiful in the Fall. Well it IS 2:30am I am going to get going to bed. More tomorrow..

Mike had to work today 7-3pm so I had the house to myself, which was really kind of nice. I cleaned and straightened. I dove into the closet of doom and organized a bunch more of the boxes that are in there. I think I may have everything sorted and labeled by the time we actually move out of here. In the process of all of this cleaning I found my 2 decks of Tarot cards that have been missing in action for almost what seems like a year now. I was very pleasantly suprised.

On another note I sorted through the loose pictures to find some for when I send stuff to Dad on Monday. He called this afternoon and we spoke for awhile. I spoke with his wife Phyliss. I like her. She has a very Southern accent which installs trust. It looks like he is going to be coming up here to Seattle to visit towards the end of the month. this will be a nice thing. Picked up Michael and watched some TV. Now I’m playing on the computer and looking forward to watching the news and going to bed afterwards. Tomorrow, we are having lunch at the Pig n Whistle with Mathew and then we are having Mandy and Jason over for dinner and Queer as Folk. More tomorrow night.

Scanned a lot of the images that Dad sent me. tomorrow I have to get the film develped and sent off to him. I will give him a call as well and invite him to come out here to Seattle. I got a new Mac yesterday. It is an older Powercomputing mac clone, 603 chip. It is much faster than the PM 7100/80 G3 that I was using. I still lust, if that’s possible, after a new dual processor G4. At 3400 a clip that ain’t happening soon. I’m getting sleepy so that’s all for now.

A package from Dad

I got a package from dad today. It was a box full of pictures, old legal papers regarding my birth and adoption. newspaper clippings of my mom’s death and other interesting things. I really enjoyed looking at some of the stuff. There were current pictures of my father now, at 61 years old. spoke with him a few times today. It is really nice to be building a relationship with him for the first time. I also spoke with Karen today. She and Madisyn are doing well. My father was talking about coming out here to visit with me and Mike. That would be so cool to finally get to meet him and that he is willing to come out here speaks volumes to me. No one in my family is willing to come to Seattle. Mike just headed into the other room to lay on the sofa, and fall asleep. the cats all followed him out there. I may be paranoid but I think they blame me for the earthquake. They won’t come near me since the quake. the rats on the other hand LOVE me! Well enough of this entry.. I am tired and heading to bed. More tomorrow.