yesterday I went to the barbeque, it was really wierd. I go and like no one said hello. T and his friend were there, he always acts so weird when there together. M has even commented on how T gets wierd when F is around. Anyway, it wasn’t very pleasant and then we went home I cooked and M was mad at me for something I yelled at him to shutup while I was cooking. “He was like what are you going to hit me.” Well he finally shutup and left the kitchen, which was a good thing because he was annoying as hell. I finished cooking, we ate and watched tv. I went to bed after that. I’m looking forward to going home.
I’m feeling somewhat lonely these days. I have friends but theres just something missing. I don’t have a bf and maybe thats the problem. I want to feel needed and appreciated and I don’t.
I need to make changes in my life, living on my own is only part of it. Creating the space for a bf is part of it. I’m in a pretty bad funk.
So I’ve been feeling like I really need my own space. Tonight I’m going to talk with M about it and let him know that he’ll need to find an apartment for himself. We’ll be signing a 6 month lease instead of the 12 month one. That should give him enough time to find a place to live and put away the money. I feel badly because I know its going to make things tight for him, and me to an extent, but I really need to honor what I’m feeling is right for me.
Friday, July 29th, 2005, is the 6th annual System Administrator Appreciation Day. “Let’s face it,” the website reads, “System Administrators get no respect 364 days a year. This is the day that all fellow System Administrators across the globe, will be showered with expensive sports cars and large piles of cash in appreciation of their diligent work.”
I realized something about myself the other day. I’m afraid of starting a new relationship even though I would like to be in one. I think there is some acceptance issues around being gay, ie being gay makes me less worthy as a person, I’m not whole. I’m also just plain afraid of getting into a relationship and then getting my feelings hurt. My most significant relationships have always lacked something which is ultimately why they ended. Its the feelings getting hurt that I”m most aware off. Consciously I realize that taking risks is a part of being in a relationship. I’m not sure I’m ready yet
I’m heading out for a little bit this afternoon, to the bear barbecue. I had fun last week at it even if I did have a few too many. I often feel like I’m the one wearing the lampshade at the end of it all. I think its that I’m so wound up normally that relaxing and actually not caring about things I shouldn’t in the first place is the real problem. Oh well, caring about what others think one of the other livejournalers I read has been dealing with this particular issue of late it seems. Its interesting to see how others deal with it. This person it seems has chosen to ban all comments. I think that this could be either a positive or a negative depending on the motivation for doing this. Are you banning comments because what’s being said is untrue and cruel or is it a knee jerk reaction and you simply don’t want to hear anything you consider criticism, even if that criticism will in the end help you grow as a person? For myself I tend towards the knee jerk reaction although I’m fairly good at justifying my behavior to the point I win most mental arguments with others or just wear them down to the point they don’t care to make there point any more. Its not something I’m proud of, just something I’m aware of. I don’t tend to care what people care about me. I spent way too many years in early teens and 20’s too care anymore. I generally just ignore them, any energy still feeds the fire after all. I do care tremendously what friends and family think to the point that it stymies my behavior. I wish this person the absolute best and hope they can use the garbage people have thrown at them and turn it into healing art. Well time to finish my coco and coke and head up the hill. BTW, the new Shakira album kicks some hot ass.
I’ve had a really restful weekend. M went to a party yesterday and got called into work for the day shift today. This means I’ve had the house to myself all yesterday night and today, yummy. I played on the computer, chatted with some friends, was lazy and didn’t get any milk even though I had run out and wanted some for my nutty bars. In other words I did nothing useful or solid, god its been nice.
I spoke with nana a couple of times this week. She seems to me anyway to be doing better. Its been a long haul from the initial diagnose of colon cancer to now. I think in a lot of ways its brought its own blessings she quit smoking for one and theres always the whole value every moment and do what you want cause life is short and filled with assholes type of thing. Shes not completely out of the woods, theres still a lot of recovery which doesn’t seem to want to go away.
My garden is doing really well, at least in terms of raw foliage. The tomato plants are a little over 5 feet high each. There are a lot of flowers on them, but very little in the way of fruit. The cuke is going mad with growth too. The pepper is still coming along, now that I daily look for aphids, nasty little critters. There is one pepper, with a number of other pepper buds. I’m hopeful that there will be a decent crop this year. Well we’ll see
time for more coffee…
I love days like today. Its friday, its a payday. Its raining out, a seattle rain not one of your midwest or east coast rains, more of a steady heavy drizzle/mist. I have to go to work this moring, which I am fine with. I slept with my earplugs again last night, I wish I had discovered these little pieces of heaven earlier on. There is plenty of work to do today. I’m wrapping up my powerpoint presentation today and then I will practice what it is I want to actually say this weekend. There is still the gay pride video to reedit, the first edit showed some things that needed to be fixed on the dvd.
I just found this site, its too funny
I bought earplugs the other day because living downtown and with my bedroom window opening onto an alley, its hard for me to get to sleep at night. Who would have imagined that three dollars could bring some bliss. I slept like a baby last night. The level of sleep was much deeper also. I am truly amazed. I found a secondary use for them as well, at work. Sometimes its hard to focus with everyones music and yammering, I put a pair in yesterday and immediately there was silence. People could talk but it was pure quiet.
Today started good enough. I’m feeling stressed and pulled to my limits. Work is fine, except my co-worker who annoys me every other day or so. There isn’t anything specific its an overall annoyance. Home is stressed. I have the fun job of having to manage the bills deal with folks when we have to pay a little later than they want. This month I switched one of my larger bills to the first paycheck instead of the second. Needless to say the switch has wrecked major havec with the whole thing. In the long wrong this is going to be a very good thing. Specifically from the next paycheck it will be a very good thing. I guess the other thing is I still expect some support from Mike, which I don’t get. Its probably better in the long run. The lease is up and we are signing a six month lease. I need the time to put money away. I get a step raise and cost of living raise at the end of December. It might just be the right time to break out on my own. well, its time to turn off the computer and head home. I feel a bit better venting my frustrations. I realize that I would have the same financial aggravations if I was on my own, but they would be mine and not ours. I think that makes all the difference in the world.