I went to the doctor the other day because I haven’t been in a REALLY long time and because I wanted to talk about weight and my continuous sadness. Is that even a word, continuous. He made me turn my head and cough, he told me that I need to lose weight, and he gave me a 3 week supply of paxil. I am taking the paxil, rejoining a gym and feeling all very accomplished and pleased with myself for taking care of me. Did I mention that I have had way too much coffee and really should be in bed?

Tomorrow/today we are getting our Direct TV dish, we’ve arrived honey we’ve arrived white trash heaven couch potato bliss, it’s cheaper than the cable, we are probably going to buy this condo, we’ve been here now 2 years and Mike lived here 1 year before that, and because I want to and I am ken.

I was watching the Sandra Bernhard Experinece on cable tonight, she had some really cool guests, in particular Lea Delaria, whom I love. Anyway, I could only watch it in like 5 min. segments because she is so annoying and rude. Mind you I like her but god, do you think you could let your guests speak more than 10 secs before interupting them. I’m going to get some water and go to sleep, good night John Boy


I see: a light in front of me

I need: hope

I find: love

I want: lots of money

I have: a good life

I wish: things were the way they use to be

I love: Michael

I hate: a lack of values

I miss: California

I fear: my body breaking down

I feel: contentment

I hear: my little piggie making noises

I smell: morning air

I crave: fish sandwhichs

I search: the secret of life

I wonder: outloud

I regret: hurt I’ve caused

When was the last time you…

Smiled: a moment ago

Laughed: yesterday afternoon

Cried: yesterday night

Bought something: yesterdays lunch

Danced: about 20 pounds ago

Were sarcastic: that last answer

Kissed someone: this morning

Talked to an ex: last Sunday morning

Watched your favorite movie: too long to remember

Had a nightmare: a week ago

Last book you read: Justice at Risk Ñ John Morgan Wilson

Last movie you saw: Chocalate

Last song you heard: something on Groove Salad

Last thing you had to drink: Coffee

Last time you showered: yesterday

Last thing you ate: hamburger helper

Smoke: no

Do drugs: no

Have sex: yes

Sleep with stuffed animals: yes

Live in the moment: sometimes

Had a dream that keeps coming back: yes

Play an instrument: no

Believe there is life on other planets: yes

Remember your first love: yes

Still love him/her: no

Read the newspaper: yes

Have any gay or lesbian friends: yes

Believe in miracles: yes

Believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever: yes

Consider yourself tolerant of others: sometimes

Consider love a mistake: never

Like the taste of alcohol: sometimes

Have a favorite candy: yes, almond joy

Believe in astrology: yes

Believe in God: yes

Believe in magic: yes

Pray: yes

Go to church: no

Have any pets: yes

Talk to strangers who IM you: sometimes

Wear hats: no

Have any piercings: not anymore

Have any tattoos: yes

Hate yourself: not often

Have an obsession: just one?

Have a secret crush: no

Collect anything: yes, Nazimova collectibles

Have a best friend: besides Michael?

Wish on stars: not in awhile

Like your handwriting: yes

Have any bad habits: of course

Care about looks: sometimes

Believe in witches: yes

Believe in Satan: no

Believe in ghosts: yes


went out last night for the last night of 2$ drinks. It was Mike and Me, Mandy and Jason, Jennifer and her friend from Chicago. along with assorted other friends… I had too much to drink and feel like doo doo this morning, I’m sitting here in my own stew at work wishing that I could leave and be home.

I dreamt I was a the top of a very tall building in Southern California. I had gone to get some ice cream with my sister. My mom, my sister and I lived in LA. We had 3 kittens. When I had gotten to the top of the building and left the elevator there were a number of people around looking around commenting on the view. I couldn’t look at anything other than my feet because there were no guard rails no boundrys to save you from falling over the edge. It was terrifying and I immediately woke up.

I’m just in a pissy mood. I’m having some ongoing issues with relationships of all kinds in general. I don’t know why I just am. I’m mad at my weight, I’m mad at having to talk with the morons that I have to talk with on the phones. I’m confused about my relationship with Boo. I Love him and I am committed to him, however, I’m questioning the reasons why. I need a vacation I need some space I need some hope and joy in my life. Everything that is wrong in my life spills out first into my relationship with Michael and then into my work and finally into everything around me. There isn’t anything REALLY wrong that would cause me to feel the way that I do,. I have a really great job, Michael is wonderful, Our home is wonderful, although some hardcore retail therapy (furniture) would definately be nice, Our animals are healthy happy and whole. I definately think there is something lacking in my Sprirtual life, it has been somewhat flaccid now for going on 8 years. I wonder if this isn’t the area that I perhaps need to focus on that and forming some goals. Creating space for more frequent vacations (with or without Mike). More

I’m so looking forward to the weekend. Mike works the overnight, I have the bed to myself. Work is a dog today. I find nothing more annoying than stupid people with attitude. Anyway, theres not much else to say.

I have been working on a book of essays and the title just came to me, “The future just happened when I wasn’t looking.” Just wanted make a mental note of it.

I also wanted to note that Mike and I found 130$ yesterday at Safeway, pretty cool. We are going to meet up on the hill tonight and have dinner. It should be nice.