what to do about work. I really don’t like what I’m doing right now. I get depressed and hopeless about work when this type of thing comes up. I haven’t been able to find work that is both satisfying and profitable. The only thing that I find that I do that makes me happy and satisfied is being a house-husband. I like handling the bills and the grocerys and the errands. I would like to do this full-time however, it doesn’t pay the bills. The skill set that I have doesn’t seem to be in as much demand as it used to be which frightens me about future prospects. I see a lot of work for programmers and for web-development. Should I go back to school for these things, would I enjoy that type of work, what should I do? Could I go to work part-time at say a bookstore or a computer store, and do some work from home building and repairing PC’s. I’m stressed a lot of the time these days, with indiscession about what to do, caught up in this stress I’m unable to make positive action towards finding what I want to do and doing it. I feel like a lost child. There is a part of me that says that I if I could just get over having the belief that what I do should be enjoyable and fulfilling then I would be fine. I see lots of folks that I know doing work that they really don’t enjoy, and they stick with there jobs as unpleasant as it seems to them. I can’t seem to do this for whatever reason. Then there are all of the other things going on around my life, swirling thoughts. Grandma C’s death this past February, my family being so far away, the winter blahs, more people than not being rude and self-centered not thinking of anyone besides themselves. A lot of this disillusionment with work started with the ending of my job at Text100. I really really liked working there, and then bam my boss felt threatened by my growing relationship with the company and suddenly I was forced out of my position. That whole situation really hurt me, it changed the way that I look at companys and work as a whole. I made the choice to never play politics at work, I would rather leave a job and not work than to play that game. Companys have no loyalty to those that work hard and try to go beyond there job description. Someone, it seems always feels threatened that somehow it will end up making them look bad if you are actually productive and not just working for a paycheck. So here I am still, writing this makes me feel a little better but doesn’t really do anything towards an applicable solution. I guess I’ll just have to think more about this, not stress so much and waiting for the answer as to what to do. I do know this, I am more likely to find fulfillment with work if I am my own boss, if I create my own job as it were. I think I’ll talk some more with Mike about this later on tonight.
I haven’t written in a few mostely because I just started a new contract and have been working a lot and adjusting to the new schedule. I like the work, and they signed for a month, so that’s a good thing. Everything at home is going well. Tomorrow will be the first day in awhile that Mike and I will get to spend together and neither of us have to do anything, I think we’ll lay around and relax together.
I haven’t really felt like writing. I’ve been watching lots of movies and baking, breads, cakes and cookies mostly.
I’ll catchup tomorrow.
went over to Mandy and Jason’s house tonight for movies and dinner. Jason cooked a fabulous prime tip on the grill, along with baked potatoes and corn on the cob. We watched 13 Ghosts, it was more funny (and predictable) than scary. The best part of the whole movie was the black maid, who kept making comments about the crazy white folks she was working for. I also went to the Bon over in Northgate and bought new pillows for the bed, 4 to be exact. Our old pillows were really really old and had lost all of there umfph, flat as pancakes and hard as rocks they were. We also settled on how we are going to place the furniture in the bedroom, the bed is going catty corner in the room, and the TV is staying in the same place but the dresser it’s on is going in the closet. The living room is pretty much done in terms of the way things are going. I worked on my website today. I figured out the structure for, the number of pages/titles and the general colors and look I’m after. I will work on it some more tomorrow. I have to setup dentist and eye doctor appointments for myself this week. About the only thing left to get are new curtains for the computer room and the bedroom, and some more plants for the new plant stand in the living room. I also have to call North Seattle Community college to setup an appointment with someone in admissions. The idea of going back to school is very scary to me but also exciting. I’m sure my grandmother is watching and very pleased to know that some of the inheritance money she left me is going to so many good uses. Queer as Folk was ok. I enjoy Six Feet Under much more though. I just can’t enough of that show. The mom in particular has such a sadness about her, I feel for her. She seems so estranged from her children lives and wants so badly to be connected to them it’s painful to watch sometimes. Mikes been really quiet today, he says he’s ok just tired. I’ll have to ask him if theres anything bothering him when we go to bed later on. Well time to hit the hay.
When I woke up this morning, Mike told me that when he woke up and came out into the dining room he found one of the chairs tipped over. My computer, my new powerbook G4 a very expensive computer not on the dining room table where I had left it last night but instead on the floor in the living room, which is about 7 feet away from where it was last night, and all of the carpets in the living room scrunched up. Well, it’s obvious one or all of the cats were playing last night while we lay sleeping. I imagine that it was probably Toby. He probably jumped up on the table tipping over the chair, got scared and went to run off of the dining groom table kicking my laptop in the process sending it flying into the living groom. Well, fortunately the laptop works just fine, and there aren’t any scratchmarks, dents or other visual indicators that it went airborne in the middle of the night. the amazing thing is that I didn’t wake up or hear anything. I am a very light sleeper, or at least I’ve always seen myself this way. I guess the lesson here is to put the cats in shackles before we go to sleep, only kidding. I’ll put the laptop in the computer room before we head to bed. I’m really glad now that I bought AppleCare for the next 3 years.
I’m feeling a bit frustrated. I have so many things that I would like to learn and do but just can’t seem to get myself to DO. I want to learn DreamWeaver, and move forward with FourPhases but I just seem to not actually do anything. Planning and action go hand in hand, I have the planning part down its just the action part that I’m having trouble with at this point. I think I’ll take tomorrow to review my six month and yearly goals and form an action plan. On a different note. I’m compiling Sawfish on my powerbook while I’m typing this. I have Xfree installed along with Gimp and a few other apps. It’s really cool that OS X has a BSD underbase to it that you can use. I’m really happy about getting this machine. Mike says that I do accomplish a lot and that I’m the most self-discplined person that he knows. Well, I think I’ve set the stage for doing things I’ve always had to have the situation setup before moving forward. Well, dinner is ready more later.
I’m so totally in a timewarp. I woke up thinking it was Saturday I hate that. Let’s see what else. Today just the usual (boring to most) errands. I have to get a bus pass for Mike maybe do the thriftstore thing today, the weather cerainly is going to be cooperative.
Just for kicks I installed BeOS using VirtualPC onto the Powerbook. It runs dog slow so I took it off.
Up from nap, having some coffee. I finished installing all of my software onto the new laptop. Starting tomorrow I’ll start work on my website redesign. Bob came up and we spoke some more about buying this place from him, mortgages and all of that good stuff. I’m noticing a pattern here, lots of the Blogs that I read aren’t being updated with the same frequency. Murderingmouth and OtherStream aren’t because they are on the road, headed in my direction as a matter of fact. Not to see me ( I don’t know them)just to the city I call home.
Today has been gorgeous, absolutely beautiful weather outside. I woke up early, because the sun was shining in the window. Maria came over and we planned our shopping for the day. We hit the furniture store first, Underhills. They had absolutely everything. I bought a new sofa, big overstuffed chair with matching ottoman. The bed is queen sized, and in the mission style which I like so much. The coffee table and end table are matching and also mission style. Tuesday is the 1st delivery day, for the sofa, bed and end table. The ottoman, chair and coffee table are on order. Next we hit Fred Myers for the new carpets, they had the pattern that I was looking for, it’s mocha cream with large leafs on it, all done in fall colors. The runner for the hallway entrance is the same but it’s a runner instead of an area rug. After all this shopping we went to Mr. Bill’s for lunch, I had the French Dip and Maria had the Flat Top. Dropped off something for Mike at his job, drove Maria home and now I’m going to take a nap. I have some paperwork to do later on. Survivor is on tonight, it’s a secret vice of mine.