I’ve had a really hard time with DJ’s death. I don’t know why, its hit me much harder than I would have thought. I think its the suddenness of it. I have a hard time really truly getting that she isn’t here anymore. The crying has stopped, which is a good thing. All last week I was a basket case. I’m 42 and sometimes (like now) I feel like I never left being that boy that lost his mother. I know that this is one of the things that gets brought up, how could it not? Someone gave me some really good advise about really using this to find my Dianne – lesson and that really is what I’m going to do with this. I can’t bring her back I can only really get what her life means to me and what she taught me the most and incorporate that into who I am.
Everything else in my life is going well besides this. Work is crazy-busy. Home is home, its quiet and regular and safe. I’ve gone out a few times and that’s always the same, men in bars doing what men in bars do. I was invited to gay bingo last night but declined I wanted to stay home and watch movies on my bed. I really enjoyed doing that. Today looks like its going to be a nice day. I’m taking the video camera out and going for a walk up on Cap Hill. I’ll probably do some taping on the hill for my this is my neighborhood project.