I didn’t sleep very well at all last night. It was the third night in a row that I had disturbing dreams. Theres too much going on in my head right now. I feel like I have no sense of direction or accomplishment. I’m just floating on the river of life grabbing whatever gets close enough to give my life some meaning. I feel like shit. I think the answer is discipline and focus. That sounds like something my mom would have said when I was growing up. Fuck the analysis I feel like shit and I don’t want to.
Ok I’m feeling more myself now. I’ve been in kind of a pissy mood since a few days ago. Things have just been yuck all the way around. I’m looking forward to school starting and getting that whole thing going. This week I need to meet with my school counselor about classes. I also have to meet with the bank about my student loan. I’m hoping for good things this week.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
– Dolly Parton
It’s late but I’ve been drinking coffee on and off all day. Things are moving forward with school and it really does feel like I’m settling in. I’m looking forward to school starting so that I can learn and really absorb myself in the whole academic thing. Things continue to subtly change between Mike and I. He seems really focussed on meeting new folks, drinking and experiencing the “gay community”. In some ways it’s difficult, we don’t really chat very much. When we do I usually have been the one to intialize the conversation, and then I just get frustrated because it feels like pulling teeth half the time. I still do the maternal thing, which I’m unware off most of the time, until I catch myself. I need to stop. He’s a grown man, he is only my roomate and friend. The one thing that became clear to me from this past relationship is that I am in very little way ready for a relationship. I’m much much better off single. This is not to speak ill of Mike or what our relationship has developed into. I’m very happy for that. I just have come to see what I do in relationships that is unhealthy (for myself and the other person). It will be good for me to have school to focus on. the whole going back to school thing is so good in so many ways. I need to finish up my degree, to ride out this unemployment downturn. After my degree I can see myself looking for work again, and not necessarily here in Seattle. I don’t have any intentions at this time of moving anywere. I’d like to stay here, but I can definately see myself working somewere else. Possibly Florida, or somewere back East. Well, that’s a long way off. I’m going to head to bed.
Your karmic zodiac is CAPRICORN.
Good Qualities: With Saturn as your ruling planet
it shows you are practical in your
applications, and steady in your discipline.
You perfer order, and anything solid in your
Bad Qualities: You sometimes tend to appear as
strict to those around you, and some belive
that you are cold and uncaring.
Best Matches: Cancer, Virgo
Best to Avoid: Aries, Pisces
Sometimes One of my personality flaws rears its ugly head. I have a tendency to be highly impaitent when doing tech support. I don’t like this side of myself. I was on the phone earlier with a friend and I’m afraid of trying to explain how to burn a DVD movie the frustration was clearly in my voice. I don’t mean to get like that I truly don’t I wish that I could be more understanding. It’s very difficult to though. Computers come natural to me and thinking in those terms is easier for me than some folks. Well, I’ll write her an email and let her know that I’m not mad at her or think that she is stupid.
While setting up an RSS feed inside of Outlook. I discovered this.
LiveJournal is a free service that lets anyone keep an online journal, readable to anyone who happens by and updated whenever you deem necessary. Your journal can also be retrieved in RSS format, simply by adding /rss to the end of your journal’s standard URL (like this). That’s over 500,000 journals available for reading within AmphetaDesk. Wow!
Today was filled with roadblocks and overall unpleasent. I went to go pay my rent this morning. Mike and I had a conversation with our landlord when we first moved in that we both get paid on the 8th, at the time she suggested that we write the check postdate it and that would be fine. Today of course it was a different story. She didn’t remember that conversation and was very dramatic about the whole thing. I left feeling angry and unsure. Then I had to deal with the whole college aplication business, it’s a lot and a bit overwelming the amount of paper I have to get turned in and the number of people that I have to talk wtih in order to make the whole process happen. Thirdly, I had to revisit the whole eBay/Paypal credit card issue. I spoke with another person who also sold a laptop very similar to mine to this same person. They weren’t as lucky as myself and now Paypal has deducted close to 2,000 from there account. I also called the FBI to open an internet fraud case with them. I fail to understand why this is so difficult there are at least 4 people that I know of that have had dealings with this same person. The short version of this in case I didn’t write about it is, I sold my laptop online to a user who paid for it through Paypal with a fraudlent credit card. I shipped the computer to the only address this person had (which wasn’t verified by Paypal). Paypal is now coming back at me, because they’ve just discovered that this person used someone elses credit card. My question to them is what the hell did I pay them for if not to make sure something like this didn’t happen. Now Paypal is investigating and will let me know of the outcome. I can tell you the outcome, they’ll be asking me to fork over 1940.00 PLUS a fee to cover the chargeback they are doing nothing about. So now I’m all caught up, oh yeah I’m pissed that I had to yet again remind my oh so mature roomate that he needs to do the fucking dishes if I do the fucking cooking. It’s not that hard to remember, unless you’ve got a good case of dementia. It’s been that way for 4 years now. So I’m not very Susie Social right now, I’m more like the angry postal worker. I need to go for a walk I think.