I've been Purging

I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve been purging. I quit smoking, coffee and alcohol. The smoking is a long term commitment but the coffee and booze are more on the short term. So the short end of this is that my body is doing all sorts of things that I’m not used to, scary things, I got a 2 day fever which cam out of nowhere and left just as quickly. I’ve lost weight despite drinking at least 8 litres of water a day. I won’t even go into a description of the noises my body is making, suffice it to say, they are Southpark funny. I started smoking when I was 13, it was a Marlboro with some friends in the woods. I have quit smoking in the past for long periods of time. When I was with William I quit for the first 2 years of our relationship. Just last year I had quit for more than 8 months. I actually enjoy smoking, really only when I go out with friends or sometimes in the morning with coffee, hence the reason I’m not drinking coffee. The only hard part physically is the first 3 days, at least for me it is. We have an event filled Summer coming upon us so we’ll have to see how things go.

The cats are being just awful this morning. I went to bed at around 1am after reading for awhile, it’s now 6:52 and here I am typing away. Tobey with his constant meowing started at almost 6, then Dexter with his jumping on and off of the bed to wake Mike up. Even Begera got in on the act by trying to clime the wood dresser with his claws. I know why they are doing this, Mike usually gets up at 4ish (because he’s a freak), makes a pot of coffee and feeds them. They get upset when he doesn’t get up at there regular time. I’ve tried the water bottle spraying to no avail. They know that if I get up and Mike stays in bed it’s because daddy Ken (that’s me) is NOT in a good mood and they all stay away from me until daddy Mike DOES get up. It’s looking like it’s going to be overcast today. I don’t know that I’m going to do anything terribly exciting. We have 2 movies from our favorite new DVD rental place, Netflix. I’m on my last pack of smokes before I stop smoking again, ok until I quit smoking. I’ll go through the 3 day smoking fast before returning to the gym. I’m quitting for all of the obvious reasons, not the least of which is cost. Mainly because I can forsee a nice case of COPD just waiting to slowly develop. I’m going to the gym because I want to reverse my gentic future. All of the men on both sides of the family tree were more than pleasantly plump, and all of them died from heart disease/attacks. One of the things that struck me when I met my Dad for the first in March of 2001 was that I a.) look a lot like him and b.) was growing into his bodytype. I really just want to loose some wieght, build some muscle and increase my endurance, oh yeah and lust after the occasional good looking guy. Besides I feel really good when I am not smoking, when I am working out, and when I am juicing (fruit and vegatable), not the steroids kind of juicing. It’s time for another cup of joe and some more browsing.

I am so profoundly sad tonight. I keep thinking about all of the family that have passed on in the past year, there are so many. Grandma Mary, Grandma Saunders, Grandma Perkins. Karen’s father, Paul, is now dying with terminal cancer. September 11th, there is such a profound theme of death and finality going that has been playing out in my life for the last 2 years. I try to remain positive, and focus on the happier things, like finding my Dad after 26 years, Karen having her first child, and now expecting her second in September and of course having my wonderful partner, Michael. It’s very difficult some days I find myself just starting to cry at the drop of a hat. I know that this will pass and that it is all a part of life. Grief is such a funny thing, it never seems to go away but somehow becomes a mantle you end up learning to wear in life.

The job search continues, that too is bringing me down even though I try not to let it. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t know what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, or even for right now. I have a number of job leads to follow up on tomorrow and Tuesday, and I know that eventually I will find the right job. In the meantime I use the time to read and clean, cook and try to enjoy the freetime, cause when I’m working again it won’t be there. Gratitude is such an important element in keeping perspective on Life. Well, I guess that’s all for this entry I really just needed to acknowledge that I’m not feeling so good these days and that it’s been a struggle and that there have been happy occasions or breaks in the clouds as it were.

Mike and I decided to have a “dowtown day” and so we headed downtown by bus. We started at the Market and had some peroshiki’s, yum and meandered about the Markey. We headed up to Barnes and Nobles looked at some books and then headed on up to Capitol Hill. It was very nice sauntering throught the side streets. We noticed that there are sooo many apartments, just about everyone, with rents available. It was getting on towards 4pm and so we headed back on down to Borders and then to catch the 358 back up towards home. Mandy called while we were waiting for the bus and since Jason’s up in Vancouver BC this weekend for some video thing she invited us over for Pot Roast that she is making. We got off of the bus at Larrys and bought some yummy foccacia bread and grapefruit soda to go with dinner. We are going to relax awhile before heading over to her house. Tobey is sitting on my lap purring while I write this and I think I am going to watch some TV, Mike is going to take a cat nap.

I don't get it

Someone in the Seattle livejournal wrote that it was Snap a baby day, I think it was yesterday. Well, for some strange reason this post has generated quite a bit of response, mostly from people saying how stupid, racist, etc. it is. There are even people calling for this person and anyone supporting the post to be removed and/or censored from the Seattle list. I don’t get it, if something offends you that much leave it alone, move on. I guess it all goes back to tolerance and diversity or at least that’s what this reminds me of. There are a number of people in the world and as an example people like the ones suggesting the removal of this person from Seattle group, I see these people as foolish and trapped in there own righeousness. I wish that people could see that we are allowed to have ideas and beliefs that are offensive to others, they aren’t anything other than ideas and beliefs, they change over time. They speak about are experiences. I don’t have to agree with your ideas or your beliefs, in fact, but I can see them for what they are a part of who you are, they are not everything you are and they certainly don’t have to affect me or who I am. As an example, My mom believes that being “actively” gay is wrong, she sees my lifestyle as not right. She still loves me and Mike for that matter, and treats us no differently than my sister and her husband. This is I think the right way to handle things, she doesn’t allow her belief to affect the way she treats me and I don’t allow her beliefs to affect the way I feel about her. I think over time her beliefs will shift as will mine, but in the meantime we afford each other the respect that we are both living our lives to the fullest of our abilitys.