Conscious Catholicism

The journey this past year has been so fufilling, ups and downs and feeling like I was bored and feeling exhilerated sometimes all at the same time. Well like I said in my last journal entry I found my sister and my Dad… my Dad, God I love saying that. Granted I don’t really know him .. but if you go your whole life as I have with think of your self as NOT having a father which I have and then you discover that you have one.. oh GOD I have a father .. how cathartic, how joyeous, how happy how good.. It’s amazing like coming back from the dead like waking up from a very bad dream, like finding yourself whole after way to long! And the icing is that I have a sister.. there is someone besides myself alive somewhere in Florida living breathing carrying some of the same genes as myself. I Love my step-mom, Allie, however, as an adoptee I’ve always felt just a little bit left of the family never quite in alignment. I realize that these are 2 human beings, faults and blessings all that I am speaking about. I realize that I dont’ really know them yet BUT they are blood and that makes all the difference in the world to me. When I found my mom’s side of the family, when I was able to visit, when I was able to visit her grave and yell and scream and tell her how much it hurt growing up alone and how I felt I should be dead but I wasn’t how betrayed and abandoned and a lonely little scared boy in the world all on his own, I felt healing and more whole and those great big holes in my soul were sewn that much more closed. Blessings are the Thoughts that God makes reality before I realize it. I feel so much more connected to who I REALLY am now. My mom is with me in a good way, not a sorrowful way anymore. I know she watches and cares and Loves and waits until I join her and all of the rest of them. This comforts me even if none of it were true and we all just fade to oblivion after we pass. It still comforts me now and thats what counts. This search for my family for my roots.. has been so worth it… I know Tommy and Gail, Alice and Tom, My aunt Janice, My Uncles and Aunts my cousins and myself. For someone who hasn’t grown up WITHOUT blood realtives, this all sounds like a bunch of dribbled sentiment. But for someone who grew up as a Stranger in a Strange Land , finding and meeting is all the difference. This is not say that the relatives that I have known my step-mom and my sister, my Goddess-Mother, Franca, My grandmas and grandpas They have sustained me and fed me. They are my “also family”. Adoption is such an odd thing, or maybe its just the perspective that I have on it that is odd.

To swtich topics completely, Mike and I went to Mandy and Jsons for Survivor, why do I watch this show, I dislike most of the people. I feel like I watching Lord of the flys from afar complete with face mask and stick, piggy piggy piggy…..On a sad note, Lucy (my oldest and first rattie-girl) is not doing well. I think she has had a stroke the left side of her face is drawn and looks swollen. Her tumors are so large she has such a hard time moving around. I would put her to sleep, but Mike and I decided that as long as the quality of her life and her happiness is good we wouldn’t do anything. She eats like a piggy, she chitters when she sits in my lap… (I cry and don’t understand), she plays with the baby girls, grooms herself and Babett, who grooms the parts of her she can’t reach anymore. If she stops eating, like Ethel did (sad!) and seperates herself from everyone then it will be time to go to sleep my little baby-girl. I REaLLLY wish ratties didn’t have such short lives .. granted I’m not as attached to the kids, except for squiggles, he’s my little squiggle-baby.. he dances for me. He sits on my shoulder and fusses with the hair on my neck, rattie grooming.

Well that’s about it for today…more exciting and wonderous adventures tomorrow… same rattie time same rattie web address..


Born in New York, Educated in the Berkshires, Became an adult in CA and found my Soul in Seattle. I'm a bearish middle aged, happy man who lives w my husbear in the OC.