The journey this past year has been so fufilling, ups and downs and feeling like I was bored and feeling exhilerated sometimes all at the same time. Well like I said in my last journal entry I found my sister and my Dad… my Dad, God I love saying that. Granted I don’t really know him .. but if you go your whole life as I have with think of your self as NOT having a father which I have and then you discover that you have one.. oh GOD I have a father .. how cathartic, how joyeous, how happy how good.. It’s amazing like coming back from the dead like waking up from a very bad dream, like finding yourself whole after way to long! And the icing is that I have a sister.. there is someone besides myself alive somewhere in Florida living breathing carrying some of the same genes as myself. I Love my step-mom, Allie, however, as an adoptee I’ve always felt just a little bit left of the family never quite in alignment. I realize that these are 2 human beings, faults and blessings all that I am speaking about. I realize that I dont’ really know them yet BUT they are blood and that makes all the difference in the world to me. When I found my mom’s side of the family, when I was able to visit, when I was able to visit her grave and yell and scream and tell her how much it hurt growing up alone and how I felt I should be dead but I wasn’t how betrayed and abandoned and a lonely little scared boy in the world all on his own, I felt healing and more whole and those great big holes in my soul were sewn that much more closed. Blessings are the Thoughts that God makes reality before I realize it. I feel so much more connected to who I REALLY am now. My mom is with me in a good way, not a sorrowful way anymore. I know she watches and cares and Loves and waits until I join her and all of the rest of them. This comforts me even if none of it were true and we all just fade to oblivion after we pass. It still comforts me now and thats what counts. This search for my family for my roots.. has been so worth it… I know Tommy and Gail, Alice and Tom, My aunt Janice, My Uncles and Aunts my cousins and myself. For someone who hasn’t grown up WITHOUT blood realtives, this all sounds like a bunch of dribbled sentiment. But for someone who grew up as a Stranger in a Strange Land , finding and meeting is all the difference. This is not say that the relatives that I have known my step-mom and my sister, my Goddess-Mother, Franca, My grandmas and grandpas They have sustained me and fed me. They are my “also family”. Adoption is such an odd thing, or maybe its just the perspective that I have on it that is odd.
To swtich topics completely, Mike and I went to Mandy and Jsons for Survivor, why do I watch this show, I dislike most of the people. I feel like I watching Lord of the flys from afar complete with face mask and stick, piggy piggy piggy…..On a sad note, Lucy (my oldest and first rattie-girl) is not doing well. I think she has had a stroke the left side of her face is drawn and looks swollen. Her tumors are so large she has such a hard time moving around. I would put her to sleep, but Mike and I decided that as long as the quality of her life and her happiness is good we wouldn’t do anything. She eats like a piggy, she chitters when she sits in my lap… (I cry and don’t understand), she plays with the baby girls, grooms herself and Babett, who grooms the parts of her she can’t reach anymore. If she stops eating, like Ethel did (sad!) and seperates herself from everyone then it will be time to go to sleep my little baby-girl. I REaLLLY wish ratties didn’t have such short lives .. granted I’m not as attached to the kids, except for squiggles, he’s my little squiggle-baby.. he dances for me. He sits on my shoulder and fusses with the hair on my neck, rattie grooming.
Well that’s about it for today…more exciting and wonderous adventures tomorrow… same rattie time same rattie web address..
Big journal entry here. Well after being really in a bad and pissy mood last night. I took it upon myself to do some more research into my family … I discovered that my paternal grandmother passed away lthis past December. Quite a shock to find that one out at 3 ish in the morning. Anyway, I back tracked and found a copy of her obit in what would have been her local paper. I discovered were my dad lives, for the first time!! It’s only been 24 years since I last spoke with him. Anyway, I debated back and forth wether I should call him, or write to him.. or what to do. I got to the point where I was like you know if I call and he doesn’t want anything to do with me then well hey I haven’t really lost anything more than I don’t already have… but if he does talk with me and we chat that would be so healing and good and make me (and possibly him) feel good. The short end of the story is that I called him and ended up leaving a message. I was really nervous about it but figured if he would probably call back. He did and I and got to speak with my Dad for the first time in almost a quarter of a century. It was weird and cool and wonderful and did I mention weird. He spoke a bit about my Mom, Nancy. We talked a little bit about him. He seemed genuianly happy to talk with me. He said he had been trying to find me for awhile now. Grandma Saunders wouldn’t give him any information about me. I have never understood that aspect of her thinking but then I am sure that she has her resaons. I have always known that I had a half-sister somewhere .. I vaguely remember her name being Terry .. which as it turns out it is and I do. He promised to send me some pictures later on in the week. He told me he would call Terry after we had gotten off of the phone and she called me back. It was really cool and nice to talk with her, she lives in Florida.. has a few kids and a husband. I am feeling so lucky to have been able to make at least this contact with my Dad. It has been such an empty part of my life growing up without a father that I never really thought of myself as having a Dad. I mean everyone does, but you just train yourself to not think in those terms when you don’t have one around. I have a father.. that is so cool. My hope is that sometime this summer I can go down to visit with him and my sister … I would probably combine it with a trip to Georgia to visit the Nazimova collection in Columbus. Anyway, that’s enough for now.. it’s getting really early or late as the case may be, it’s 3:30am … finish up with emails and then to bed.
well, I haven’t written in a few days not that anyone really reads these entrys anyway. today was good. Mike worked the day shift so I had the morning and most of the afternoon to myself and the kids. I cleaned …………a lot. 7 bags of garbage later and the house was looking really almost Martha Stewartish. We were planning on having Mathew over for dinner so I wanted the house really clean and I also had to go to the store. I was going to the make crokpot chicken dish that I make but I have had this craving for Italian food so I opted for baked Ziti. As things would have it .. the evening was really fun and dinner turned out to be very yummy. Tomorrow I begin the job search in ernest. I enjoy not working all that much however, it is killing my bank account not to mention my sprirt at times. I need something to bitch about besides the cats and how the nieghbors drive like shit during the day. I am expecting 2 UPS packages tomorrow .. I found a copy of IBM’s C++ development for OS/2 and NT for 5 bucks from overseas and I also bought a copy of WarpUP for my OS/2 machine. I thought seeing as IBM is no longer supportng OS/2 unless you pay throught the ass that it would be a good thing to have. I got my CA drivers license, finally and it has my Seattle address. I know it’s kinda of goofy but I think that that is kinda cool, having a CA license and a Seattle address. Bab’s wrote me a long email to catch me up, it was nice hearing from her and listening to all of her adventures. Something that I mentioned to Matt on the way to driving him home tonight was that I am thinking about getting a contract job in LA for a couple of weeks so that I could spend some time down there and get my things together as well as get some (more) cash flow going. I will have to talk with Mike about it. I spoke with Mike about it and everythings a go with him as long as the contract isn’t longer than 2 months. I am going to start looking into houseing in the SF, LA, and Portland area. Ideally I would like to find a gig in LA. Well I am going to finish this cup of coffee and my smoke and head to bed. It’s really nice to write my thoughts out.
there was a new release of StreamRipper on BeBits.. hooyah!! He also has released a winamp plugin.. I will have to reinstall Windows just to try it out. I really like the program.. I wrote a small script to start it from a terminal under Be.. I would really like to put together a frontend that would let you import your bookmarks and choose which stream you want to record. Eventually maybe add a timer element to it as well. well I’m going to have another smoke and head to bed. We went out last night to Neil’s b-day party down at the Ballroom. It was fun.. once we had a few drinks and started chatting. I’ll be resinstalling OS/2 tomorrow on the main partition and playing with compiling Streamripper for OS/2 that should be an interesting project. I am looking forward to it. Oh I can’t do that.. we are going over to Mandy and Jason’s tomorrow for the SuperBowl… go Giants… ha ha ha
I didn’t write at all yesterday. The DNS server on @home went down and so it was near to impossible to do anything. The email server went down and then finally the whole system crashed. I was in the middle of an OS/2 install on the main machine. I found a download from Lotus that I had (gotten from there site at Xmas) wanted to give a shot. There are some really cool things in OS/2 I had forgotten how much I really like it. I still prefer Be to all of the rest however, never crashes on me and is always responsive. Besides if I break something like I did awhile back .. accidently deleting the development branch off of my drive .. I just have to reinstall and it’s all good after that. Anyway, Myk and I are going to a party tonight for a short bit of time down in Fremont. It is at the Ballroom.. should be fun for a short time anyway. More later I’ve gotten caught up in changing the font’s on my system.. how pathetic is that.
Juat a few quick lines before I head off to bed. Myk and I got a lot of cleaning and straightening done today. I finally put away all of the Xmas stuff and got the Mac setup back on the diningroom table. Spent some time on the phone …bills and jobs. I watched the Mole tonight, it was a very good episode. I really do enjoy this show. I wish that Myk was here to have watched it also. He had to go with a Client and Mandy to Neighbors tonight. He probably won’t be home until 3-4ish. I’ve been thinking a bit more about William, so much for my obsessive/compulsive side. I was going to just call him but I think it would be better and less threatening if I email me instead. I have also been doing a bit more background research on OS/2 … I have been thinking about installing it again on my machine. It so antiquated I don’t know why I do these things. I am most comfortable working under BeOS, or Windows if I have to. The only things missing from my Be is better hardware support and a Killer browser. If I had these things I wouldn’t have a need to go into win2k or even Linux. I don’t have Linux on any of the machines right now. I half heartily tried a RH7 install, just to see what it was like. it is only 2.2.16 kernel .. Mandrakes is at least 2.2.17. Anyway, enough geekyness. I’m off to bed to dream of better days and bigger things.
What a long day. I didn’t really do much today. I made a bunch of phone calls and such searching for the next contract.. like some work junkie. I did get a call from a recruiter for IBM downtown for an OS/2 engineering position which would be both profitable fun, and downtown. The conversation went mostly well. I sent him my resume afterwards which he didn’t get the first time out .. I hate that. TV sucked tonight we ended up watching Deep Blue Sea, which we’ve already seen before. It was ok.. I futzed on the machines periodically during the movie. The cable went down AGAIN. If I could change from @home to DSL I would in a heartbeat. The good news is at least that they went back up about an hour ago. According to the rep on the phone it was a national thing. I also had a conversation with Gail today, she spoke with William awhile back and dished me the dirt of whats going on with him. Will was my partner before Myk. We moved to Seattle together a number of years ago and have known each other since 1991. Anyway, he is depressed which is no great suprise he’s always depressed in the Winter. I don’t mean to sound cold about the whole thing. It’s just something I’ve come to expect. He is having some problems and work, with discrimination issues and my general sense from the last time we spoke was that he is feeling a bit lonely. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t call. I have certainly done my part to maintain the friendship .. I am the one that goes and visits to California paying the airfare etc… and I have to always call him.. he very seldom, I think once called me. It’s either I am really dense and he doesn’t want to continue with the friendship or he does and is just lazy … or has other issues going on. Well I am going to wrap this up and head to bed for a few hours. I am bushed.
Myk and I went to Mandy and Jasons to watch Queer as Folk last night. It was a really good episode, I like what they are doing with this series. It is so much more real than Will and Grace, which is such generic crap as far as I’m concerned. Slept well. I called Shelley this morning to find out about the Port job and they’ve decided to keep the guy that they have in place there so I’m out of the running on that one. I am scouring Monster and a few other sites. I did get an e-mail from another agency that wants to talk with me, they are over in Bellevue though, yuck. I’ll give them a call later on today and set up an interview. Otherwise I’m going to clean *yawn and do dishes laundry yada yada yada. Maybe I’ll work on my web site later on today to update a few things. Jason and I are going to get together for lunch later on in the week, downtown that should be fun. I haven’t been downtown in quite awhile. I am looking forward to going back to work however, I’m a bit anxious having been out of the game for the last several months. You get in a rhythm and I know I’m not in that rhythm anymore. well more later.
I’m burning a new RedHat 7 Cd .. ezcd creator wouldn’t work for me.. pain the ass program. I reinstalled Nero and am burning now. The Ratties are awake and doing usual, forced groomings of each other and wrestling. I took Lucy out today and let her play in the bedroom, she was overjoyed at the idea of having the whole bed to herself. She moved the blanket around on the bed and formed a tent-like structure where she promptly took a nap. She was so happy, she started chittering whenever I came in the room to check on her. Dexter has been in a very loving mood, especially when I head into the kitchen. I got really sleepy around 7pm and fell asleep a few times on the sofa. I finally dragged myself off of the sofa because I knew that we had to go to Safeway for groceries and smokes. I hate waking up and not having coffee ready and plenty of morning smokes to go with it. For some reason I just woke up in the pissiest mood… maybe because I didn’t eat. Myk is in a silly mood, which although he doesn’t mean it seems to irritate me more quickly. I am looking forward to tomorrow night, Queer as Folk is on. Myk and I are going over to Mandy and Jasons to watch and have cocktails. I bought a yummy chicken for dinner tomorrow. I am going to cook Herbert-the chicken, in the crock pot with mushrooms, a little Merlot, onions garlic seasoning, carrots, and a little celery. I love the way the house smells when something really good cooks in it all day.
The weather was crap today, sorta rainy sorta not. I tell ya I’m very much looking forward to the Spring this year. All this talk of foods making me hungry.. snack time for Ken. Well I’ll have some nutty-bars and milk, watch a little comedy central and head to bed. Myk made a pot of coffee which means he’ll be up all night, he’s looking at porn on the egroups site. Night for now. One last thought, I have been thinking today of ways that I can use this online journal as a tool. I think that I will make at least 2 entrys daily morning and evening. Outline my goals for the day and review at night, as well as record thoughts, and anything unusual or interesting going on. I’ll give it some more thought right now there are 2 nutty bars calling to me like sirens to a sailor.
My first Live Journal entry! I have been wanting to setup my web site as a journal since I discovered soma.com web site. I went to Bebits this morning and discovered LiveJornal.. what a merry coincidence. I just watched the Bush’s swearing in this morning. I really believe that it should have been Gore .. but god forbid the Republicans have a Democrat in office more than 2 terms in a row. I really do believe they stole and manipulated the election.
I’m eating canned ravioli’s for lunch..yum yum. Myk is on the computer surfing the newsgroups. The kids (our cats) are all chasing each other around the house. The girl ratties are sleeping. Squiggles is sitting next me much more curious about my raviolis than what I’m typing.
Myk and I went out last night with Mathew… after he cut our hair. We went to R’Place for a couple of beers and then to Charlies for dinner. It was nice to actual get out of the house. Well the raviolis are finished and so is my first entry.