I ended up sleeping on the sofa, Mike was snoring really really loud. It’s 5:48 am and I’m somewhere between grumpy and lucid. Lots of fun stuff to look forward to today.

I appear to have a touch of bronchitiis, time to hit the tea, and fruit juices. I really need to get back to my gym routine, after my trip to NY I fell out of it badly. It really does help. My body has been through the ringer this past year, what with all of the stresses I’ve placed on it, myself.

Mike called to let me know that he and Mandy were going out for drinks after work. I wasn’t invited, I take that to mean that Jason will probably be there. I’m feeling a little hurt that I wasn’t invited. I feel badly for Mike because since Jason doesn’t want to hangout around me (guilt for having laid me off), Mandy won’t now either, which of course puts Mike in a tough spot. I think this brings up my only concern in our relationship, loyalty. I know Mike loves me, I have no doubts about that whatsoever. I do have some nagging questions about his loyalty, which this situation is obviously bringning to the surface for me. If he were forced to choose between his friendship with Mandy or his relationship with me which way would he go? This isn’t all insecurity and paranoia on my part. Last year Mike, myself and a group of friends went out on Capitol Hill, well towards the end of the evening one of Mikes closest friends and I got into an argument. Mike took his friends side, Before he even had heard what I had to say. That stung me really badly, and for whatever reason I ended up burying it. I probably shouldn’t have, I probably should bring it out in the open and to his attention. So now I’m left in this situation where I’m sitting here at home (with butterflys), he’s out having a good time with friends. I think the best thiing now is to bring this to his attention, not tonight, but tomorrow after I’ve had some time-distance. The only problem with bringing it to his attention is that I’ll tell him whats going on for me, and then he’ll just sit there. He doesn’t like confrentation of any sort, even if it is for the betterment of our relationship, who does? That drives me nuts. Respond please, tell me something, don’t just say ok. Well, I know I feel better, I think I’ll eat and watch some mindless TV.

Test Results

You think of yourself as being soothing, cool, peaceful, and confident.
Others think of you as being soft, playful, independent, and strong.
Your relationships can be described as big, unique, traditional, and fun.
When stressed, you feel pure.

Take this test here.

It’s 2:30 pm and the snow is picking up quite a bit. It’s comically perverse how much it’s snowed here in the past 2 weeks. Michael calls snow “white dread”, the only man I know who would rather have it rain than snow. I secretly hope we get 3 or 4 inches. The only time I get to see REAL snow is when I visit back East.

Not much to say today, granted it is only 10:23am. I woke up at 5 ish this morning, Mike was on the phone with Maria (his boss). Mike has to be at work at 7am so he gets up early, usually around 4ish, naturally. I think that that is just perverse. So having gotten up so early and it being cold and snowy-like outside, I drove him to work. I’ve since come home and done both his taxes and my own. I efiled, so hopefully the money will be direct depositted correctly into our joint account all for the consumption of bills. They are a voracious evil child. I went food shopping yesterday as well my usual house cleaning (laundry, dishes, vacuum dust and polish) and had a thoroughly enjoyable time doing it. I am not sure if my getting so much pleasure out of domesticity means that I was meant to be a house-husband , or I watch too much Martha Stewart (which I do!), or I’m channelling some sort of New York Italian/Jewish bobbeh (grandmother in Yiddish).

I’m going to get something to eat and then take a nap so that I’m not sleepy at 6 this evening.

It’s a lazy day, today. Aside from this entry, I’m doing nothing but grazing and lounging in bed watching old godzilla movies on tv. It did snow a bit this morning but it’s all gone now. Micahels snoring like a bulldozer, he’s so damn cute, except when I’m trying to actually sleep.

I’ve been having a really hard time sleeping lately. I think I mentioned this in previous journal entrys, if so sorry. Mike and I went for a few drinks to the Rickshaw, a local hangout Chinese karoake bar. It was nice to get out of the house for a few hours. Mandy, Maria and one of Mikes other co-workers were there. She was loud and got very drunk, very quickly, I didn’t like her. Well, the point of telling you this is that Mike had a bit to much to drink also and when he does, he always snores very very loudly. I ended up tossing and turning and cursing my sleeplessness. I ended up on the sofa about 5 in the moring. Why do I always wait until 5 in the morning to move, when I could move just as easily at 2 or 3 and get that much more sleep.

It’s freaky weather time again here in Seattle, it’s supposed to rain/snow all this weekend. I am so over the Winter about now, I want Spring and wamth and flowers and lilacs (my favorite flower). I’m tempted to buy a ticket to Alabama to go visit Dad and Phyliss as a suprise as well as to get away from the cold and rain. We do have a bunch of trips planned in the coming months, April we are going to Pullman, in eastern Washington to suprise Maureen, Mikes mom for her birthday. May, I’m going to Alabama for Dad’s suprise birthday, and in June a bunch of friends, Mike and I are going to LA so that I can get the rest of my stuff out of storage and for gay pride.

Time to take some Valerian root gelcaps and try to go to sleep, gosh it’s only 20 of 10 how old have I become, at least I’m not sick like David, and all the other bloggers I read.

Morning, I am up early but I really got a pretty good nights sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well now for the last 2 weeks, stress and anxiety have been the primary culprits. Money issues of course being the root cause. It really shouldn’t be as I noted in previous entrys, but alas I’m all to human and what I know to be true and how I react to it are sometimes to different things. The other being what I’m thinking is turning out to be an early onset of a midlife crisis. All around I have a very good life, really I do. The problem lays in that I’ve chosen to work as a contractor now for almost 10 years. Well, the IT well has dried considerably drier than I would have thought. IT work is just not satisfying anymore, at least in the arena that I’ve worked primarily (tech support, helpdesk, light Sys Admin). I’m collecting unemployment right now and that is going to run out in 5 more weeks. So the situation is that I’m forced to look for the same old same old, and not having much luck in the search that I really don’t want to be working in in the first place. I’m taking the time, rather than being stressed about the whole matter, to take stock of where I am now and what I really get the most satisfaction from, or possible could get the most satisfaction from. I’m seriously looking at returning to school, to learn Programming, which is something that I’ve always wanted to be doing. I’m also looking at returning to retail, bookstore work specifically as I have done a lot of it and although it doesn’t usually pay very well, I’m good at it and I really really enjoy it. I should also say that I’m very very lucky to have such a wonderful partner, Mike. He supports me mentally/emotionally and is willing to go the extra distance. Lord knows I’ve been in other relationships that weren’t nearly as supportive, hello William. Well, today looks like it’s going to be a nice one despite the weather forcast. I am going to do a little shopping at Nordys’ with what’s left on my Xmas giftcard and go to the Apple Store to lust after my new computer, which I’ll be getting as soon as my inheritance money makes its way into my hands. I have a hankering for gingerbread cake, so I think I will make one of those today also. Not sure what to do for dinner, perhaps some chicken scallopini with spinach or asperagus.

Andrea Yates was found guilty of Capitol Murder. This situation is a tragedy all the way around . I normally believe in the death penalty. This situation is just so difficult. This woman was obviously disturbed. Is the best course of aciton to punish her further, she knows what she did was wrong. I’m not sure how either putting her in jail or an psych hospitol going to make things any better for her. I’m not sure what putting her to death is going to do either. How do either of these courses serve justice, or humanity ? All of this thinking because I read Fark., there were so many (I assume teenagers) making glib remarks about frying her and other such things. It got me really mad that people were so openly expressing there calousness towards such a painful situation. I know that kids will be kids and most don’t understand or believe in the Sanctity of life, every life. It’s all so discouraging.

On another note. Mandy called tonight, and I ran it past her again if she or Jason were upset with either of us. She said she wasn’t but that Jason was upset and hurt by something I had said a few weeks back. The short version of all this is that I had kidded him about laying me off (he used to be my boss) and then the company turned around and hired another one of his friends. I didn’t mean it in a mean sprirted way at all, however he saw it just that way. He had no intention of telling me he was offended and quite honestly, if I hadn’t asked Mandy about it I would never have known. He feels that I owe him an apology for hurting his feelings. I am going to write him, and tell him I’m sorry that he ws hurt by what I said, it ws never meant to hurt him. I also am going to let him know that I’m hurt that he thought so little of our friendship that he wasn’t going to say anything. The only time that I was ever upset with him was the day that I found out they had hired another person to replace me, and I wasn’t angry I was more hurt, particularly not knowing wether or not he had any role in the deciscion-making process. I hope that things can back to all of us hanging out. If they can’t well, then it’s not because I didn’t make an effort. On a more postive note, Mandy may be preggers, yay!! let’s hope so.

Real people

I’ve been reading certain blogs now for almost 4 years and the strange thing is that these people whose lives I’ve watched from outside the box, don’t know me. It’s weird to me that I have insight into the lives (sometimes intimate) of complete strangers. There is something oddly voyeruistic about the whole thing.. I probably need to comment and write more instead of reading so much, now that’s a big fat Duh. Self-deprecation suits better than my favorite grey sweater