Well I’m sad to share that Mike and I have seperated. He came home tonight and wanted to talk with me. We talked for almost an hour. He told me that he hasn’t been happy in our relationship since about last June and that he felt he needed to seperate from me. We are not breaking up as we both love each other very much, but due to circumstances and the paths our lives are taking us we need to seperate for right now. I’m really proud that he found the strength to talk with me now rather than let himself become hateful and bitter. I’m sad and a bit relieved and a bit scared all at the same time. I’m not working and have had a really difficult time finding work here. We are going to continue living the way that we are until are lease is up, January and start looking for seperate homes at that point. I have to believe that something better will come out of this. We’ve been together since July of 99. I have so much to do now, do I sell my things or wait and see were I find work, here or LA. It really is too much to try and absorb right now. I need to sleep on this.
Some things that came out of our going out this past Tuesday. I made a commitment to not drink hard liquor anymore, I tend to get mean and nasty (for unknown reasons) and wake up with regret. I don’t drink a lot, maybe once or twice a month socially, however hard liquor sneaks up on you and I become this person I don’t like very much. I say things I would never say (and that I don’t really think anyway) otherwise. I just wanted to record this as a reminder to myself and a (somewhat) social commitment.
Heres wishing all the bloggers in my friends list many many Blessings now and for the year to come.
I apparently caused quite a stir last night when we went out. I will say this, I had a few too many and got very upset about all of the office politics that were going on. I’ve never been one to keep my tongue espcially after a few drinks. I’m sorry that I said some unkind things to a couple of people. I really have taken away from this that I need to not hang out with the folks Mike works with and also that I really need to learn to play that game much better, my employment really does depend on it.
I had mixed news today. I didn’t get the job that I applied for and I found out that it was because one of my references gave me a “less than great” reference. I’m pretty sure I know who it is and it only confirms what I suspected about this person all along. Well I Bless them and let them go. On the more enjoyable front my mom sent me a fruit basket and 500 bucks for Thanksgiving. I’ll continue looking for work. Looking for work around Christmas is probably the worst time to look during the whole year. That’s fine I will find the perfect job….
I had a really long online voice chat with my friend Hope from LA. She agrrees with me that getting work, moving downtown and experiencing that BEFORE even considering moving to LA would be the wisest course to take. Besides I have all these psycho, shallow ex’s in LA whatever would I do if I ran into them?
I got to thinking what would I like to see for myself. If I had my druthers I would like to be working part-time at a bookstore, say BookStar down and working my Melaleuca business the other half of the time. I would like to own a condo, or moderate home in West Hollywood, close to Santa Monica, west of Highland and East of Robertson. I would like Mike of course to be with me doing whatever it is that he likes to do, workwise. I will be driving a new car of course, a chevy cause there the most reliable cars I’ve ever owned. This is of course indulgent fantasy, and I’m not sure whether I really want to do this or not. I do know that the job market here sucks raw eggs, and that it doesn’t suck nearly as much down there. I am familar with things down there as I lived there for so many years, although things do change, since I haven’t lived there in almost 5 years, would I still like it. Most of my friends that used to live here have moved back to LA and have not intentions of leaving. Would I be giving up all that I’ve built for myself here or would it simply be the next step along the path. Is all of this “moving” business an emotional reaction to the work situation here or is it something more. And finally would Mike be willing to give it a shot in LA. He’s not one to pickup and move and he really does love his job. After thinking about this I think really the course for me is to stay here for now, find work, save money, move Downtown and give that a go for awhile. If after that I still want to move then it really is the thing to do. I don’t think anyone in my friends list lives in LA but if there are and you do, what is your experience of living in LA like? Either way I’m going to be planning a visit down there in the next couple of months after the holidays are past and I have some money in my pocket.
I added a bunch of folks to my friends list. Today was such a do nothing day. It was cold and overcast out (joy sarcasm). I’m beat so I’m just going to head to bed. I have bunchs of things to say, some ideas I’ve been floating around in my head but I’ll wait til tomorrow and a fresh cup of joe.
I was reading one of the daily blog sites I read, he was talking about how he recently took the subway from his house, which is in west Hollywood to Silver lake (where Harry Hay, the father of the radical fairies movement still lives). Heres the link for those interested in exploring such things. the reason that I mention it is because it got me to thinking about places other than Seattle, which I do rather frequently. Anyway, I’ve only been away from LA now since 1998, that’s really only 4 years (for some reason I thought it was longer) and so much stuff has been happening down there, subways the reconstruction of West Hollywoods Santa Monica Blvd (the most heavily trafficked surface street in the world), my former (670.00) 1 bedroom apartment now goes for a over 1000. I miss things about LA, mostly places and things, certain stores and restaurants. I miss being able to visit with Bette Davis or Nazimova (at the Forest Lawns) when I just need to get away from everything. I miss the energy and vibe. I don’t miss the attitude and shallowness, but then that’s more about who you hang with and not so much the place. I really really miss doing my old weekend routine with William, going to the thrift stores (in Glendale) and then grabbing lunch at the German deli . I’ve always had a hard time appreciating what I had right in front of me instead I’ve I had a tendency to throw away opportunities thinking I was doing the right thing at the time. According to what I believe there are never any mistakes in life, it’s a matter of how you look at it that determines wether something is a good choice or bad one. There were definitely difficulties for me in LA, William was so unavailable emotionally, I didn’t recognize it until I moved here. Work-wise I had some interesting and fun jobs while I lived there. I think my favorite job was working at Bookstar on La Cienega across from the Beverly Center. I had a pet name for it, I used to call it bookpig, it was and still is a massive store. The name comes from this customer who came up to me just loaded with books, I mean loaded. She looks me straight in the eyes and says ” I just can’t help myself, I’m a bookpig.” and so it stuck. Everything in my LA experience has contributed to who I am . Moving to Seattle really came at a time when I need to regroup and get away from everything familiar. I have a single friend when I first moved here, in fact I came here without TV or radio. I moved into a weekly apartment up on Capitol Hill. There are three kinds of folks that lived in what became my first home. There were people who were from overseas, I even made friends with a few. There were folks like myself, getting a fresh start in a new city and then there were the drug addicts. I really enjoyed living in my little one room apartment, I even had a DSL line installed. I had a kick-ass view of downtown Seattle and I had people on crack for neighbors. After I met Mike I moved up north into my own place and then after the lease was up of course I moved to were I am now. I’ve grown some roots here, they are the more sure and steady kind that happen (hopefully) with age. When I lived in LA I was younger and more apt to move and explore. I can’t imagine giving up my strolls through Pikes Market. The smells and sights are far better and more comforting than anything Glendale offered me. There is of course Pioneer Square in the Spring all of the trees blossoming. I’m happy to live here, I like it here. The hardest part of I have with living here is that I feel so remote from my family, which is odd because we were never particularly close when I was growing up. I am looking forward to this coming Spring in particular as I am determined that Mike and I are going to be moving Downtown. It is definitely more expensive however, the advantages (at least for me) far outweigh any disadvantages. It will give me a chance to socialize more, living up here in Greenwood, other than online folks and people that Mike works with we don’t socialize all that much. Overall, I’m glad with my choice to move here, I think I’m a better person for it.