Just another Saturday morning

I really like the life I’ve created for myself.  It’s not perfect for sure, however it is comfortable and familar and reliable.  It has always been the small things that mean the most.  I’ve never been a big gesture kind of person.  The perfect coffee, Splenda, cream ratio, the feel of my comforter when I first wake up or go to sleep, my pillow.  These are the sorts of things that make the inevitable bullshit that we all have to deal with tolerable lessons in life.  Recently, I was laid off from my job, a really good job that I had just started at the beginning of the year after several months of seperating from the job I’d had for the last 8 years.  In so many ways it felt like what I imagine a divorce to feel like.  I was incredibly sad, mourning for the familar schedule, even as intolerable as it was.  Sad that the few familar faces I’d liked there would no longer be a part of my day to day. There was anger as well, mostly because things could have been different but my first job and I had seperate ideas about how they could use my abilitys.  Being laid off from the second job just a few weeks ago has been even more so a blow to my already shaken sense of self-worth and purpose.  Maybe its a Hunter Gatherer sort of thing but in society a mans sense of worth and purpose are directly related to “what they do”  and now here I AM not doing anything.  It’s been a few weeks of self-reflection, assesment, daily attempts at self-healing, at being gentle with myself.  The question now has become How do I move forward, what do I do for an income?  For the first couple of weeks I’ve been just throwing my resume at the wall for more of the same thing I’ve been doing now for the last twenty plus years.  I don’t think this is going to either work or bring me the sense of accomplishment and usefulness I’m looking for.  I’ve had to really dive in and take a look at were my passion lies.  I have another twelve years or so of working before I retire and I’d like for those years to be as joyfilled, as fufilling to myself and others as possible. Culling what you’re good at and what you like to do is an arduious task.  For me I have always enjoyed helping others, its what I naturally do.  So my direction now is a bit clearer than it was as far as what type of work to look for.  I’m excited now because there is a sense of purpose here, firstly to find the work I’m meant to do and then of course to do it.  I’m not sure how long or even were this path will lead but I’m confident that will provide new interesting experiences.  So in the meanwhile, while I’m looking I think I’ll return to this perfect cup of coffee on just another Saturday morning.

 

 

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