Yule is a hope in the midst of darkness

Driving home at night was always my time with God.  I would go over the events of the day, bring my intercessory prayers and work/wrestle out ideas with logic and love.  Sometimes we’d even argue.  On this night God and I were having a pretty intense conversation about work, my feelings, my many many frustrations with it.  As it turns out it really felt like something shifted that night but I wasn’t sure what except that I knew things would be changing.  It didn’t take long to find out what and when.  The next day when I got to my job of eight years  it became very apparent that I just couldn’t stay any longer.  Between the odd schedule, odd hours, the long commute and lack of opportunity.   It’s been an interesting journey since then.  It’s forced me in a way to look at myself, to look at all of the changes that have happened since I decided to move back to Los Angeles from my comfortable life in Seattle.  My relationship with god otherwise known as the elephant in the room has changed throughout my life (how could it not?) . Here I was again beginning to take a look at not just this relationship but my relationship to all that I’ve known, people, the space I live in.  I’m convinced that God is about all our relationships including ourselves and its were we “touch” and “see” the face, the Will of “All That IS”.  So I’ve been learning just how much deeper MY faith as a Catholic is.  I’ve been learning just how much deeper MY belief in a Panentheistic God(dess) is.  The two are not mutually exclusive BTW.  For many many many years I have allowed catholicism as an organization as a religion to define itself, or rather to be defined by its Hierarchy.  The same thing has been true of Paganism, of the Craft.  I have my beliefs, my shared experiences with both and have learned that I get to not only define the drawings but do the coloring as well.  The greatest source of pain for me within catholicism has been and remains that I as a gay married man cannot be fully embraced as equal within the church organization.  I have struggled with this for years.  I am learning to be ok with this.  I’m being the change I want to see, as my wise friend Trish, a Catholic convert btw pointed out to me when I shared this with her over a few too many cocktails at Seattle’s Emmet Watsons one day after work.

So this is some of what’s been going on internally for me the last two months.  I’ve been defining what the coloring book for work is going to look like, who’s in it, what I’ll be doing, where I’ll be doing it.  I’ve wanted to make the transition to work that focuses on my strengths, abilities and most importantly my interests. You and I in this post industrial world spend most of our waking hours engaged in relationships with those we work with.  I’d prefer at this point in my life that it was with people who have a somewhat shared sense of purpose.  I’d rather it was with people I genuinely want to be around.  I mean really, who wants to go to work with people you’d rather divorce?  So on Yule this year true to God’s sense of humor and irony, on both the shortest day of the year where the Light is at it’s weakest and yet also finds its own renewed strength to conquer the Darkness around itself and increase, I was given a job offer that fits almost every bit of the coloring book I’ve been creating these past two months.  I start at the beginning of this year.  I’m excited, looking forward to meshing with my new co-workers and sharing my talents to make a difference in the lives of those I touch.

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