Moving Thoughts one year later

First of all I need to share that I’m not unhappy with my decision to move back here to L.A. It has been a good choice. I’ve been able to accomplish a lot of things that I came back for. The biggest being that I feel a sense of closure as far as what I did when I was here before. Coming back was a reexamination of the choices I was making when I lived here before Seattle. I wasn’t being responsible and wasn’t living with the decisions I had made. It was often other peoples fault, or the situation or the job or whatever. I leaned FAR too heavily on the kindness of my family and friends. All of that eventually caught up with me and I was forced, really to move to Seattle. This was 1997. Coming back to L.A. last year was for me about reclaiming that and being ok with it, doing penance to coin a Catholic phrase so that I can move on cleanly. I did come back to change some choices I had made and I think too to heal whatever relationships I had had here that I could. My relationship with Will is done, and I’ve been able to get myself to the place were I can see what we each did in the relationship. I am thankful for it and for all of the ways he made me a better person. I no longer need what it provided me and so I have let go. I’m 12 years older and the world seems a completely different place in so many ways. One of the other significant relationships that has experienced some healing which I hadn’t intended to even seek out was with E.H. This was entirely through Hopes intervention and passing. I’m am forever grateful to her for this. Speaking of Hope, she left far too soon in my estimation and I miss her. I initially came to Los Angeles to create success as I defined it. I am experiencing the success that I wanted in the same way that I was in Seattle. I left the City I most love, Seattle to be here for these reasons. I’m not done here yet and I don’t know exactly were the next place is. I am clear that I don’t want to be here the rest of this life. I need to be near trees and water and dirt and skyscrapers and bookstores which is partly why the NorthWest had been so perfect for me. And so with that there are many many things that are wonderful about living in L.A., the first being the Sunshine and beautiful weather. The Culture, the food, the opportunities to be and do whatever you want. There are more beautiful men than anywhere else except perhaps New York. These are all things to love about Los Angeles. Tonight and over the last several months I’ve been piecing all of these ideas and thoughts together, Sort of condensing all of the lessons. It’s true you can never go back. The image of an uproot plant comes to mind. You may be able to replant it but the root system isn’t going to be exactly as it was, the experience will never be the same as it was.

Now I’m starting to thinking about what I want to accomplish next and I find it difficult to dream, to imagine what this looks like between the 9- 5 of everyday life. The only other thing about this move to Los Angeles has to be that it has been the straw that broke the new and fragile relationship with my father. He has increasingly become more and more anti-gay I’m not sure if its because he’s getting older or what but either way he has become more outwardly religious without any of the internal repentance and transformation that is supposed to accompany such transformation. One of the last things he said to me before I moved was that he thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life by moving back here. I recognize that my father has a special love for Seattle and was likely more sad about not having a free place to crash than my leaving. Given his life’s track record and trail of irresponsibility I didn’t make too much of this other than it hurt a bit that he felt that way and that for all the times his mother treated him like a failure and for all of the times his father completely supported him when even by his own admission he was being stupid, he never learned the lesson that you never treat your children like failures and you always have there back. Perhaps in the next life if there is one. So it’s back to work.

Leave a Reply