On being single

Just a couple of things. There are some good changes happening. There is a drive to move forward despite some of the crap going on around me. Last weekend was a catalyst for change in my life. Despite the bad feelings I was forced to see some things I would rather have ignored. I’m glad I wasn’t allowed to. Work has been work. Things at work haven’t been nearly as busy in the last couple of weeks as they have been in the past. I just signed a new six month lease. This is the last lease we will be signing together. I’m determined to get my own place. Some would be like, just do it. When you are used to doing things a certain way for almost 8 years, change doesn’t come that easily or quickly. There is uncertainty and little worries here and there. I think the biggest thing I’m looking forward to is having the place all to myself and not having to be bothered by (or with) somebody else’s shit. I’m tired of looking after the bills for two, cooking for two, managing for two. Frankly, I don’t care what his side of the story is, I have enough living on my side of the story. It is most definitely time for me to live by myself. M and I have lived together since 1998 that is a long time.

looking back over my journal, I realized that it is mostly a bitch-fest. I’m fine with that, it is my space and if you don’t want to read it, fuck off. In truth its the space that I work things through for myself. I’m overly analytical, I always have been. My being OA (overly analytical) is how I learned to cope with a childhood full of uncertainty and change. I do hope that by sharing the process I’m going through it may help someone else to work through there process or at least not feel alone in the process.

I haven’t heard from my father, I’m fairly certain that in-spite of what he said about “the past being the past”, he’s pretty much written me off which seems to be part of his pattern. It hurts a bit, I thought we had formed a friendship at least. He will never be my Dad, I’m too old and lived too many years without one and he doesn’t know the first thing about being one anyway. He is however my father and wether we talk or not he always will be. He has a lot of admirable qualities. there is a lot to like about him, he’s funny and extremely charming when he wants to be. He likes to have fun and seems much much younger than his physical years would suggest. Oh well, I’ve enjoyed getting to know him better the last few years since we reconnected (after 25 years apart) and I do wish him well.

The suns coming up (like a big bald head to quote Laurie Anderson) and I should get ready to head to work. I’m glad its the weekend.

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