I had a miserable day yesterday. It became really apparant to me that I don’t have that many friends. I went out last night to hangout with someone I thougt was a friend and as it turns out he kept trying to ditch me every oppurtunity he got. Oh, he was nice about it, which makes it worse. I won’t even go into the whole thing with my roommate. Either he is completely clueless about his own actions or he’s being coy with me. He’s been seeing this guy and it’s obvious to me that despite him saying its casual it isn’t at least not from his end of things. I am glad that he’s found someone. As for me. I’m turning into this angry, bitter overweight unhappy guy. What the fuck I’m angry about I don’t know. Probably everything. Bitter because my life isn’t what I want it to be; with a husband I adore and vice versa, a career thats stable and taking me places (I sort of have that at least til January), in a home I own, with a gaggle of interesting wonderful friends. Instead I’m living with an ex, with all of the attending problems, I don’t have many friends, bar friends sure, but they go puff when they pass through an exit sign, and there isn’t any husband which I’m almost glad for with all of the stuff I’m fucked up about. I feel more and more like a social misfit with nothing to show for the 40 years I’ve been on this whirling top except for an ample stomach and a few wrinkles. It sucks and I don’t know what to do about it. At least I have my cat, Tobey. Whining about it doesn’t do any good, writing it down makes me feel better. Going to the gym, working hard at what I do. Indulge my non-bar interests and constant positive affirmations are about all that I can think to do for the moment. I take things way too serious most of the time, its in my nature and experince. I’ve had to learn to let things go over the years, its very difficult for me to do that. So today I’m going to start on the Xmas decorations. I’m going to go to the thriftstores and do things that make me happy.

Advertisements