Well I just got back from the Math final and I’m afraid I froze up during most of the test. The questions were relatively easy I just couldn’t think logical and step by step. The thing that I was most afraid of was that I had to maintain a 2.0 in each of my classes. I found out that my GPA had to be 2.5 or higher, mine is 3.8 right now. If I don’t get a decent final grade I may take this class over again until I do get it right.
I can’t seem to get to sleep. it’s almost 3am. I keep tossing and turning. I have a nasty case of anxiety about my math test. I hate this shit. I’m getting cranky now out of exhaustion. I’ve just popped some asprin for the growing knot in my neck and some valerian cause there almost as good as the Valium you can get at Western and Santa Monica from the Mexican newspaper stands. I’m sure that its much more than the test. I’ve feeling anxious about money, my living situation, work (the lack thereof), the relentless desire for success (material and social). Funny thing about that last one is there isn’t anyone significant in it. I have no desire to be with anyone. Relationship is more often a major hassle than any benefit I get from it. I know that sounds terribly cynical and jaded, and maybe it is or maybe I haven’t found the right person or maybe I’m just fucked in the head with being so tired. I have this fantasy of finishing school getting work and putting away money then moving back to LA were I will have this great career and not be bothered by how crowded it is or how much warm weather and lack of seasons pisses me off after awhile. One of the things that made LA pretty good for me ws having a buddy to share my favorite places and things with. Seattle has been a haven and a home to me. The continued lack of work really keeps me from being as firmly planted here as I would like. I love my friends, I have more now than I ever have and I would hate to not be around them. What I really would like to see is that I find work that allows me (time-wise) to finish up with schooling. I think having that income and working again would make things so much better.
I have to keep reciting my affirmation, everything is exactly as its supposed to be and I always have what I need for now.