I find men attractive but more often than not usually in various states of dress rather than undress. Maybe its a sign I’m getting older, or perhaps its an affectation of my Catholic upbringing, a frustrated hetrosexism possibly. Lord knows I have never been comfortable with grossly gay expressions. In any event I have been thinking a lot about sex and spirituality. I don’t really have any interest in becoming some body in a sort of gay orgy thats certainly not how I want to express myself. It’s messy and often not worth the effort in the end (so to speak). What does my being gay mean in a larger context. Is it a gift as so many liberal theologians would have me believe. Like I’m some blessed berdache waiting with my holy semen to bless all who are open to my wisdom. I find that scenario highly doubtful for a number of reasons. First of all my spirituality is a strange hybrid of Catholicism, paganism, New Thought with a healthy dose of Agnosticism thrown in for added confusion. I’m often overly serious, which has always been a double edged sword socially and personally. I take life and most other things way to seriously. I’ve gotten better over the years but it has taken its toll on me. I’m writing this now because it helps me put into perspective what direction I’m going in. I’ve always been goal oriented, serious and goal oriented you would have thought I’d be married and living in SF with a wonderful husband by now. I guess I’m trying like I was saying earlier to find a place spiritually for myself. Its a struggle, not in the god doesn’t love gay men kind of way. Those types of ideas are just silly to me. Finding a place for me is a quest to find some essential meaning if any to who I am and what I am and not so much what I do, which is were I think most people pull the meaning of there lives from. Most of us won’t do anything extra-ordinary during our lives at least not on a larger scale like Ghandi, or Martin Luther King. Most of us live our lives day to day, often just trying to make the end of one and beginning of the next come together. The reason that the whole gay part of my life comes into the mix is because for me being gay is primarily a vision thing not a fucking thing. I know lots of straight men who fuck other men, it doesn’t make them gay (just trade). Being gay for me is more about how you see the world, from a queer perspective. It’s not inherently better or worse than how straights see the world, its just different. I derive a lot of value out of going to Mass and being a part of the larger Church, regardless of the Church’s internal problems. In order to bring this whole entry to a point. I’m looking for a wholeness in my life.
In keeping with that last idea I’d like to add I would like someone to journey with me and I’m having a hard time finding that person at the Cuff or at Mass. The companion part is kind of new. I have a difficult enough time most days getting along with myself. Its taken Michael and I 4 years to learn how to live with each other without me killing him. Aside from leaving wet towels on the bed and nagging how dirty things are I easy to live with [wink]. So I’m starting the process of finding someone again.