I’ve been at the new job now for almost 2 weeks. I finished up my training after the first 3 days and am now sitting with a more experienced employee, learning the in’s and outs of the system. I received my work schedule, actually they let me pick it. I’m working 4 days (10 hour shifts) and have 3 days off. It’s an adjustment but seems to be working well. I have to drive to work, against traffic, so my commute in the morning isn’t really bad at all. I took BART, my blazer in to get him aligned only to find out that the box that controls steering was totally shot and would cost me close to 400 dollars, ouch!! Well, after a little mental freak-out, I decided that it was time for a new car. I really want reliable transportation and just think that buying a used used car rather than a new one was not the way I should go. I’ve seen many friends go that route only to regret it 4 or 5 months down the line. So Tuesday I went to two different dealers that I had spoken with and went car shopping. I will spare you, dear reader, from the hell that is credit history, waiting, finance companys requirements, mistakes made in your 20’s dialog. The end result, after much prayer and affirmations is that I’m now the proud owner of a 2001 kia spectra. It felt almost surreal driving this new car, it is mine, I have to keep reminding myself of this. I’m sure once the financing bills start coming it’ll wake me up real quick. It’s quite a switch from driving an SUV to driving a sporty little car. I like it but after driving BART for 6 years you get used to driving a certain way. This really is an opportunity to continue rebuilding my credit and move forward with my life. My payments will be a bit higher than I would like, not to mention the interest rate, however, after a few months I’ll look to refinance and get a lower interest rate. I have today (Thursday) off and I’m planning on enjoying it and perhaps driving somewhere, I’m just not sure where yet. The only scary thing is that now that I have payments to make I have to keep this job, my monthly expenses just went up a bit. The pressure of responsibility. Merry Xmas and an early Happy Birthday ( my birthday is Jan 1) present to myself.

So I’ve been at the new job now for almost a week. The commute into work up and around Lake Washington isn’t really all that bad at all, about 35 mins total commute time. The people that I’m working with seem fairly nice also. Things here at home are still ok. I much more aware now of all the little things that I would do to contribute to making us work. I’m sometimes uncomfortable living here now, not much just from time to time little feelings will pop up and I’ll wish that it was the Spring already and we were in separate apartments. This is strange because I do enjoy Mikes company most of the time. I’m not sure, I go back and forth about moving downtown versus staying up here. If I’m still with ATT Wireless I think it makes the most sense for me to stay here, I mean I will have the money to buy this place at that point, and I do very much like the neighborhood. If Mike were to move out and I were to buy this place, my mortgage would be less than our rent is now and not much more than a 1 bed on Capitol Hill, so it would seem to be the best thing to do. I’m kind of sad that I lost all of the friends that I met through him, but its typically what happens. I’m not sad about Jason or Mandy, I have nothing at all in common with either of them except for my relationship with Mike, the same could be said for Maria. I’m sad to learn the after the 3 1/2 years Mike and I have been together that Mathew never really liked me. I hate when people put up these shallow fronts and pretend to like you. I mean, if I don’t like you I’ll tell you straight up none of this nicey nicey to my face and then bitching and talking about me behind my back. I should’ve guessed though based on everyone else he hangs around. I guess what I’m saying is its been somewhat painful finding out that very few if any of Mikes friends actually ever really liked me and finding it out now after the time and energy I’ve invested in the relationships really sucks. I tend to have a few friends but they also tend to be very intimate relationships, it’s what I prefer. I’m sure that if I get more involved in the local groups I’ll meet some new people and possibly make some new friends. I know this all sounds really pathetic, it’s mostly mind banter, filling in the space between the lines. The other thing as far as Mike goes that’s been on my mind is something I’ve suspected during a good portion of our relationship, and that has been that he’s been in this because it’s easier to stay than change the situation. We know each others quirks and habits. It’s a whole lot easier with me around than on his own. That could be complete and utter nonsense, and if it is than it is. I suspect and will act as if it isn’t. I’m looking out for me first.

Babs,

Good luck in NY. I am hoping that it is work. I’ll catch you up on things here. I had an interview at AT&T Wireless for an internal technical position. They made me an offer on Friday for six months which is just perfect. I start on Monday, I can’t wait to start. The contract is in Bothel, which is about a 12 mile commute, about 25 mins. from home, againest traffic which is a very good thing. Mike and I are doing ok. There is very little that has changed between us, he really just needs some space and more independence. The thing about this really is it was a wake-up call. I have a tendency to really lookout for the “us” in my relationships and sometimes lose sight of the me and what I want etc etc etc. Mike mentioned yesterday when we were talking that he would like for us to move downtown but that he wanted us to have separate apartments in the same building. I guess that kind of sums up where he’s at. As far as what I am going to do. We are going to stay here until the Springtime. I’ll be putting away about 1/2 of my earnings into my savings account and really just playing things by ear. I’m really tempted to move back down to LA, and yet at the same time I have an equally strong pull back towards the East coast. I’m not sure what the best thing for me to do is, which is fine for right now. The only problem that I have with Seattle is really the weather, it is dreary and overcast most of the Winter which is becoming depressing. The East coast has its cold weather and its snow, LA is overcast and rainy at least in part during the Winter. Anyway, things are pretty good as a whole and I have a lot to be thankful for. The whole apartment thing with Mike made me giggle on the inside, It would be fun to live in the same place however, if I find something that I really like, then thats were I’m moving regardless. I really intend to wrap myself in my work and education over the course of the next six months and play the rest by ear. AT

Well I’m sad to share that Mike and I have seperated. He came home tonight and wanted to talk with me. We talked for almost an hour. He told me that he hasn’t been happy in our relationship since about last June and that he felt he needed to seperate from me. We are not breaking up as we both love each other very much, but due to circumstances and the paths our lives are taking us we need to seperate for right now. I’m really proud that he found the strength to talk with me now rather than let himself become hateful and bitter. I’m sad and a bit relieved and a bit scared all at the same time. I’m not working and have had a really difficult time finding work here. We are going to continue living the way that we are until are lease is up, January and start looking for seperate homes at that point. I have to believe that something better will come out of this. We’ve been together since July of 99. I have so much to do now, do I sell my things or wait and see were I find work, here or LA. It really is too much to try and absorb right now. I need to sleep on this.