it’s too darn hot. I’ve gotten 4 calls in the past 3 days for possible work. Today, I had a phone interview with Adobe. I’m hopeful. it’s only 830 and already Mike has fallen asleep watching TV. Are we too married or what? makes me wonder what the point of moving dowtown and paying higher rent would be if we don’t really go out much in the first place.

It seems to me that the Palestinians by and large are there own worst enemy when it comes to Israel. They want there homeland back (which I can understand) but instead of working through the peace process there are some that would chose violence and destruction. It just doesn’t make sense to me that you would destroy that which you want. I empathize tremendously with the innocents caught in this serial pattern of violence. It makes me that much more thankful that I was lucky enough to have been born here on not in the Middle East.

Sometimes I just think to myself what a shit he is. Why should I bother. What is it about the people we most care about that pisses us off the most easily and the most deeply.

I went for my walk yesterday and came up with idea that I wanted to at least make sure I got down in writing. I’m thinking about doing 2 entrys a day, a morning and an evening. The morning will have my meditation for the day ( from Science of Mind mag) along with what I hope to accomplish for the day. The evening will contain a review of the day along with whatever I’ve learned. I realize that this may be a bit boring for those of you that read this, but than again maybe it won’t be we’ll have to see.

Today was a pretty restful day. I worked a bit on the new Playbears.com. I got boot loads of leads that I need to call on tomorrow, so I organized everything to get a jump start on work. I should be hearing from Apex systems about a contract up in Bothell, the pay rate is really low, but it’s work and might be a good thing. I also got a call for a streaming video contract downtown. I’m going to go watch some TV for a bit.

a date for the 20th

Reading this shannonkringen and being the gallery whores that Mike and I both are, we have a date to go see pretty pictures on the 20th. Why the 20th, cause we’ll be able to make a day of it. We like to eat our way end to end down Pikes Market. a few things from select shops brought down to the waterfront on a nice day, is almost like a Seattle picnic. This time however, I’ll remember to call the bavarian deli and reserve my pound of german potato salad. time for more coffee, and off to GreenLake before the crowds get there.

I watched one of my favorite movies tonight, Gattaca there is a quote in the movie that I’ve sort of co-opted, it goes;

“I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it.”

Tobey is sitting on my lap, he loves sitting on my lap while I type. this is Tobey

what a cutie

Tobey is purring and almost ready for his nightly turkey before we head to bed to read.

I’m frustrated with Michael. On the one hand I love him but on the other he is unmotivated, uninspired and unemotional about most things. I find myself asking the question why am I with him? I sometimes actively look for reasons why I’m with him. He has a whole lot of really great qualities the least of which is loyalty and steadfastness, which is very hard to find. And then there are those times were I feel like I’m not with that someone I should be, he has no great aspirations, doesn’t care one way or the other about most things, and just plain doesn’t get excited about anything. I feel held back and stifled some of the time. Am I putting off the inevitable as far as this relationship goes. I’m not out to change him or make him into something he isn’t. I’m out to change myself, and move forward in life, experience is very high on my list of priorities in life. There are a few friends and family who feel that he provides stability for my otherwise grazing nature, I feel that this is true to a certain extent but I do feel held back most of the time, either in my expression, because it’s usually met with an apathetic response, or in actuality. He supports me in my decisions and that is such a good quality. He says that I bring so much to his life, consistency, nurturing, friendship and companionship. I realize that couples are different sometimes in a lot of ways, this isn’t my difficulty or maybe it is and I just don’t realize it. I didn’t sleep well last night at all, thinking about so many different things, maybe that is in part why this stuff is coming up for me. Love and commitment are a choice in my opinion, too many couples these days don’t realize this and act willy nilly about there relationships. One of the solutions that Mike and I came up with is for me to go on vacations on my own, to do things on my own without him. We do spend so much of our time together that it probably would be a good idea for me to spend some time with just myself, or just with my friends. Opinions anyone? does anyone else experience this I love you but you feel like a bump on a log sometimes kind of thing in their relationship(s)

Another beautiful Seattle day. I’ve gotten a bunch of resumes off to various people with follow-up letters to the ones I sent out last week. The good side of this is that at least there are folks that are hiring, it’s a matter of getting there (good) attention. I’m feeling pretty confident about a couple of the resumes I sent out. I really would like to work only part-time at an outside job and continue to grow my home-based business. Mike and I have started looking dowtown for our new apartment. Our lease isn’t up until the end of the year, but Bob has already said that he would let us out of the lease early if we wanted. The rental market downtown is much better than it was even a year ago, which is not to say that it is good. It’s still insane to pay 1200 for a 2 bedroom 2 bath. Although it really is a matter of perspective, we pay 920 now for 2bd/2bath upper floor condo in a nice section of town. We really want to be around the action of downtown, the Market, the Hill, the happenings. It will be nice to not have to drive for a change.

Went to a book reading at Bailey-Coy books up on the Hill. It was really fun. Mike and I went to dinner at one of our favorites on the hill, Charlies. They have the best mozzeralla sticks anywhere. We had coffee at Vivaces before heading home, it was a really pleasant evening. The only downside was that I didn’t order decaf and was up all night.

I realized a lot being up all night. I caught a glimpse of just how much fear is a factor in my decision making these days, not to mention how come I’ve been so crabby and bitchy with everyone. I don’t want to be crabby it just happens, Mike is so wonderful or dense for putting up with me. I think that not working as much as I would like to think it is all good, is really been fucking with my sense of self-esteem.

Science of Mind would teach me that I am fine just the way I am, and that right livelyhood is mine already, the right job is mine and it’s a matter of waking up to this fact. I can see this it’s jut the illusion in front of me that’s the problem.

Well, it’s time for a shower, and then I’m going to head out and run errands, I’ve been keeping up with the gym which is a very good thing, I always feel better after going to the gym.