I woke up really early this morning .. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.. last night I did. Mike left the house for work around 10:20 ish. at about 10:55 there was a loud boom and then the room started shaking, EARTHQUAKE. Having lived in California for as many years as I have normally this wouldn’t bother me, however, this one just kept getting bigger and more violent. The cats were running back and forth from the bedroom to the livingroom. The fishtank was slashing water all over the place. Pictures started falling off of the walls a few things fell off of the curio case and broke on the floor. The TV feel out of the entertainment center. Well it finally stopped. That was a big one, it turns out it was a 6.8 which is a large earthquake for this part of the country. Everyone is fine, the cats and ratties are still a bit freaked out but they are starting to come out and explore.

I spoke with Dad today (and Sunday) we had a really nice conversation. I was able to come-out to him, which isn’t a big deal but is important to me. He is totally ok with it.We spoke some more in a sort of catchup and get to know you kind of way. I’m really looking forward to getting his package in the mail. I am also looking forward to meeting him and Terry in the Summertime. I am still looking for work, but I am feeling more confident that I will find something soon. I am a little scared about returning to work, it feels like it has been so long since I’ve worked a “permanent” job. Oh well, it is a good thing. I’m going to take more pictures tomrorow and then get them developed and sent off to Dad. I love saying that I have a Dad. more later.

I have a father, Dr. Seuss told me so…

The journey this past year has been so fufilling, ups and downs and feeling like I was bored and feeling exhilerated sometimes all at the same time. Well like I said in my last journal entry I found my sister and my Dad… my Dad, God I love saying that. Granted I don’t really know him .. but if you go your whole life as I have with think of your self as NOT having a father which I have and then you discover that you have one.. oh GOD I have a father .. how cathartic, how joyeous, how happy how good.. It’s amazing like coming back from the dead like waking up from a very bad dream, like finding yourself whole after way to long! And the icing is that I have a sister.. there is someone besides myself alive somewhere in Florida living breathing carrying some of the same genes as myself. I Love my step-mom, Allie, however, as an adoptee I’ve always felt just a little bit left of the family never quite in alignment. I realize that these are 2 human beings, faults and blessings all that I am speaking about. I realize that I dont’ really know them yet BUT they are blood and that makes all the difference in the world to me. When I found my mom’s side of the family, when I was able to visit, when I was able to visit her grave and yell and scream and tell her how much it hurt growing up alone and how I felt I should be dead but I wasn’t how betrayed and abandoned and a lonely little scared boy in the world all on his own, I felt healing and more whole and those great big holes in my soul were sewn that much more closed. Blessings are the Thoughts that God makes reality before I realize it. I feel so much more connected to who I REALLY am now. My mom is with me in a good way, not a sorrowful way anymore. I know she watches and cares and Loves and waits until I join her and all of the rest of them. This comforts me even if none of it were true and we all just fade to oblivion after we pass. It still comforts me now and thats what counts. This search for my family for my roots.. has been so worth it… I know Tommy and Gail, Alice and Tom, My aunt Janice, My Uncles and Aunts my cousins and myself. For someone who hasn’t grown up WITHOUT blood realtives, this all sounds like a bunch of dribbled sentiment. But for someone who grew up as a Stranger in a Strange Land , finding and meeting is all the difference. This is not say that the relatives that I have known my step-mom and my sister, my Goddess-Mother, Franca, My grandmas and grandpas They have sustained me and fed me. They are my “also family”. Adoption is such an odd thing, or maybe its just the perspective that I have on it that is odd.

To swtich topics completely, Mike and I went to Mandy and Jsons for Survivor, why do I watch this show, I dislike most of the people. I feel like I watching Lord of the flys from afar complete with face mask and stick, piggy piggy piggy…..On a sad note, Lucy (my oldest and first rattie-girl) is not doing well. I think she has had a stroke the left side of her face is drawn and looks swollen. Her tumors are so large she has such a hard time moving around. I would put her to sleep, but Mike and I decided that as long as the quality of her life and her happiness is good we wouldn’t do anything. She eats like a piggy, she chitters when she sits in my lap… (I cry and don’t understand), she plays with the baby girls, grooms herself and Babett, who grooms the parts of her she can’t reach anymore. If she stops eating, like Ethel did (sad!) and seperates herself from everyone then it will be time to go to sleep my little baby-girl. I REaLLLY wish ratties didn’t have such short lives .. granted I’m not as attached to the kids, except for squiggles, he’s my little squiggle-baby.. he dances for me. He sits on my shoulder and fusses with the hair on my neck, rattie grooming.

Well that’s about it for today…more exciting and wonderous adventures tomorrow… same rattie time same rattie web address..

Big journal entry here. Well after being really in a bad and pissy mood last night. I took it upon myself to do some more research into my family … I discovered that my paternal grandmother passed away lthis past December. Quite a shock to find that one out at 3 ish in the morning. Anyway, I back tracked and found a copy of her obit in what would have been her local paper. I discovered were my dad lives, for the first time!! It’s only been 24 years since I last spoke with him. Anyway, I debated back and forth wether I should call him, or write to him.. or what to do. I got to the point where I was like you know if I call and he doesn’t want anything to do with me then well hey I haven’t really lost anything more than I don’t already have… but if he does talk with me and we chat that would be so healing and good and make me (and possibly him) feel good. The short end of the story is that I called him and ended up leaving a message. I was really nervous about it but figured if he would probably call back. He did and I and got to speak with my Dad for the first time in almost a quarter of a century. It was weird and cool and wonderful and did I mention weird. He spoke a bit about my Mom, Nancy. We talked a little bit about him. He seemed genuianly happy to talk with me. He said he had been trying to find me for awhile now. Grandma Saunders wouldn’t give him any information about me. I have never understood that aspect of her thinking but then I am sure that she has her resaons. I have always known that I had a half-sister somewhere .. I vaguely remember her name being Terry .. which as it turns out it is and I do. He promised to send me some pictures later on in the week. He told me he would call Terry after we had gotten off of the phone and she called me back. It was really cool and nice to talk with her, she lives in Florida.. has a few kids and a husband. I am feeling so lucky to have been able to make at least this contact with my Dad. It has been such an empty part of my life growing up without a father that I never really thought of myself as having a Dad. I mean everyone does, but you just train yourself to not think in those terms when you don’t have one around. I have a father.. that is so cool. My hope is that sometime this summer I can go down to visit with him and my sister … I would probably combine it with a trip to Georgia to visit the Nazimova collection in Columbus. Anyway, that’s enough for now.. it’s getting really early or late as the case may be, it’s 3:30am … finish up with emails and then to bed.

well, I haven’t written in a few days not that anyone really reads these entrys anyway. today was good. Mike worked the day shift so I had the morning and most of the afternoon to myself and the kids. I cleaned …………a lot. 7 bags of garbage later and the house was looking really almost Martha Stewartish. We were planning on having Mathew over for dinner so I wanted the house really clean and I also had to go to the store. I was going to the make crokpot chicken dish that I make but I have had this craving for Italian food so I opted for baked Ziti. As things would have it .. the evening was really fun and dinner turned out to be very yummy. Tomorrow I begin the job search in ernest. I enjoy not working all that much however, it is killing my bank account not to mention my sprirt at times. I need something to bitch about besides the cats and how the nieghbors drive like shit during the day. I am expecting 2 UPS packages tomorrow .. I found a copy of IBM’s C++ development for OS/2 and NT for 5 bucks from overseas and I also bought a copy of WarpUP for my OS/2 machine. I thought seeing as IBM is no longer supportng OS/2 unless you pay throught the ass that it would be a good thing to have. I got my CA drivers license, finally and it has my Seattle address. I know it’s kinda of goofy but I think that that is kinda cool, having a CA license and a Seattle address. Bab’s wrote me a long email to catch me up, it was nice hearing from her and listening to all of her adventures. Something that I mentioned to Matt on the way to driving him home tonight was that I am thinking about getting a contract job in LA for a couple of weeks so that I could spend some time down there and get my things together as well as get some (more) cash flow going. I will have to talk with Mike about it. I spoke with Mike about it and everythings a go with him as long as the contract isn’t longer than 2 months. I am going to start looking into houseing in the SF, LA, and Portland area. Ideally I would like to find a gig in LA. Well I am going to finish this cup of coffee and my smoke and head to bed. It’s really nice to write my thoughts out.